Page 63 of Sin of the Saints

“It’s the only way to look at it, Belle,” she grows serious. “Otherwise I’d be just like you. Should I flagellate myself just because I’m human like He created me? Besides, at least I’m not a hypocrite like my father. He steals and kills for a living, but as long as he obeys the church’s laws, he’s a damned saint as far as he’s concerned.”

“Yes…” I ponder her words and can’t help agreeing with her. “But Dr. Abano’s different.”

“Dr. Abano is blind,” she quickly replies. “His naiveté will lead to his downfall.”

I don’t dare contradict her, because if she knew what was happening during the silences in our sessions, she’d get the wrong idea and think she could use it to her advantage. Valentina has no conscience and always gets what she wants, one way or another. Dr. Abano might pay for that, and that’s not what I want. He himself is aware of the game she’s playing with him, and I absolutely refuse to find out if he’s enjoying it.

“I fantasized that he offered to smuggle me out of here,” I confess.

“But that didn’treallyhappen,” she answers.

I shrug. “It’s pointless either way. Even if it were realistic, where would I go?”

“True.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “We’re where we belong, in a Hell created just for us. But don’t worry, I’ve got your back.” Her hand finds mine and we tangle our fingers together.

Yes, today was a good day.

I open my eyes and feel Valentina at my side. Our fingers are still intertwined and I smile as I realize we fell asleep that way. I turn my gaze to her and see her blinking as she wakes up. Her confused look is replaced by anger, as she pulls her hand from me and gives me a glare full of disdain.

“Get your filthy hands off me, whore,” she hisses, sitting up at once. I hurriedly move to my bed, but she grabs my shirt and yanks me towards her. “Don’t you dare come near me again, understand?” she spits venomously, and I nod.

She gathers her shower kit, snatches a towel and slams the door, leaving me stunned. I look to the window and my heart sours as the sun almost sets.

Damn, maybe today wasn’t a good day after all.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Bellcolor

Ireach out towards the handle on Dr. Abano’s office door for our evening session, and at the last moment I change my mind and pull back.

“Everything alright, Belle?” Ellis approaches me in the corridor.

“I’m not sure.” I stare at Dr. Abano’s name on the sign, and laugh bitterly at the irony of his name, which in Italian means water, the absolute opposite of my name, which means fire. Opposites really do attract, but in my case it’s destined to be destructive. “You think the administrator will be angry if I decide to skip today’s session?”

“I think it would help if you talked with Dr. Abano about what’s weighing you down.”

“I don’t want to talk to him.” I’m afraid he’ll want to pry into the subject we left open during our last session, I’m scared he’ll push me to open up when all I want is to curl up into a ball and just disappear. The most correct choice of words is that I’m not capable of talking to him.

“Would you like to talk to someone else? I’m not certified like Dr. Abano but I’d be a good listener for you.” Ellis’ voice is soft and I turn to meet his radiant smile.

“I think that could be nice.” The idea that someone might just listen without analyzing my thoughts is somewhat comforting.

“In that case,” he says, gesturing down the corridor. I follow him and he leads me outside. I cover my head with my hoodie and wrap my arms around myself. The nights are getting longer and colder, a fact that makes me sad in itself.

“You like this place,” Ellis declares as he sits on the bench, his gaze focusing on the sunset appearing before us in a panoramic view.

“Yes.” I sit by him and take a deep breath. “The air’s good here.”Unlike the constant suffocationin my life that I can’t get used to.

“You can start talking whenever you want, He’ll listen,” Ellis says without looking away from the sky.

“He?” I stare at him, wondering. “I thought you were suggesting I talk to you.”

“Him.” He points to the sky. I turn and focus on the shades of red in the sky, looking like they’ve been set ablaze. I’m mesmerized.

“Why do you think He’ll listen to me?”

He chuckles. “If He listens to me, I’m sure He’ll listen to you too. It’s my favorite time to talk to Him, try it.”

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