Page 54 of Sin of the Saints

He keeps flipping through the notebook, stopping at the chapter he wants to discuss. I’m not sure if we’ve given up one disturbing subject for another.

“I reread the chapter we discussed yesterday, and new questions came to mind.” I cross my legs and prepare myself for intrusion into the dark corners I dare not enter, corners concealed by fiction. “Why did Lilith surrender? I can’t understand that.” Every muscle in my body tenses and I jab my nails into my thighs. Shit, shit, shit, I really don’t want to get into that. “Belle,” he says my name in a strict tone, and I raise my gaze to him.

“Because I decided it was time for her to give up.”

“Why? It’s unlike her. You built her character around rage. She’s a fierce flame. She’s not a character who’d give in so easily.”

“Every flame’s doomed to die. Sooner or later there’d be nothing left for her to burn.”

“Unless she has an oxygen supply, and Bar was her oxygen until he gave in to the demon living within him.” He breathes deep and reads my words as though seeing them with new eyes. “Do you blame God for that too?”

“No, I blame Lilith for that. Isn’t it obvious?”

“But Lilith is seeking her Creator’s forgiveness, she longs to be released from the burden of her curse, for Him to permit entry into the Garden of Eden He created for her. Why do you not believe she’s entitled to that?”

“Because Libretto would never let that happen.”

He stares at me, then lowers his gaze and they move as he reads my words over, then lifts his gaze back to me.

“We always return to him… he carries a demon within him as well…” he mumbles to himself, biting the pen as he sinks into his thoughts. God help me, just don’t let him choose to dwell on him specifically. I regret writing about him, but I had no choice. My story couldn’t be written without him, he’s always been in control of the narrative. “And where’s personal responsibility? Do people not have free will, are they just pawns?” he asks without looking at me. I’m not even sure the question’s directed at me, but it infuriates me. I asked him the same question, again and again, and never got a response that satisfied me.

“You tell me!” I explode. “Aren’t you putting the blame for every stumble on the Devil? Don’t you attribute every good thing that happens to God? How am I any different from them?”

“God and the Devil can test you, put obstacles in your path or grant you grace, but the choice is still yours. You must prove whether you’re worthy of what they place in your path.”

My grip on my thighs tightens and I’m burning with fury. His answer is just as ridiculous as all the rest. It’s the same fucking answer, just in different illusionary variations. I shut my eyes tight and focus on the pain my nails are sending into my skin, taking a few breaths until my heartbeat slows a bit. “I don’t want to discuss this,” I declare.

“If you won’t talk about it, write about it. Rewrite the last chapter.” He closes the notebook and tosses it on the table, towards me.

“I don’t want to,” I look right at him. “It’s written, and it’s final. Just like life. I can’t rewrite what’s already happened, and I refuse to do so here.”

“So this is your choice?” He bites the end of the pen, scrutinizing me.

“Yes.” I fold my arms over my chest. His eyes move down my body towards my thighs, and his gaze hardens as he notices my wounded skin.

“Then you’re dismissed for today.” He throws the pen onto his desk as well, and turns to his office window.

The air leaves my lungs as though I’ve been slapped. “B-but…”

“I said you are dismissed!” he yells, rising from his chair, turning his back to me and focusing on the night skies.

I jump to my feet so quickly that the chair falls back with a loud thud. Dr. Abano is unmoved, and doesn’t look at me. The notebook’s in the corner of my eye, as though calling for me to take it.

“Whatever.” I grab the notebook and leave his office. I want to tell him that Lilith didn’t surrender, but that it was time for her to accept her bitter destiny just as I’ll have to do when my time comes, but I can’t find the words when rage has me in its talons.

That’s how I am, and he knows it. I run when I can’t cope, so why does he have to test me and pressure me and then turn away from me so coldly and bluntly?

Doesn’t he know that cornered animals go wild?

I walk into the room and slam the door with thunderous force. My eyes seek out Valentina but the room’s empty.

Good God, he boils my blood!

In my naiveté I made the mistake of thinking he was the only one in this cursed place who looked me right in the eye, turns out he was no different than the rest of the damned chasing me. What the hell was going through his head? Did he mean to intentionally evoke this rage all along? Did he want to see how I’d react to his ceaseless taunting? And why the hell does it affect me this way?

But the bastard was right about one thing, and it suddenly hits me – Lilith is motivated by rage, and my reaction proved it. But I can’t rewrite what’s been written, despite her fickle heart. Just like my mood swings, which change constantly to match the release of endorphins in my brain.

I bury my face in my hands and stifle a scream that turns my stomach. I mustn’t scream, it’ll bring the guards right to my room and they’ll drag me to another oblivion. I must find a way to reach tranquility in this chaos. I try to breathe again and again but I can’t calm the storm threatening to breach my defensive walls. Damn it, I need relief before my emotions overtake me.

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