Page 66 of Sin of the Saints

Ellis is smiling peacefully in a way that’s not at all appropriate for what’s about to happen in mere minutes.

“You know,” Ellis sighs, “you really were like a brother to me.” I growl and don’t look at him. He can send his empty words straight to Hell. “I should be reporting your inappropriate behavior.”

The shithead laughs. He’s the one who decided to stand aside and let this disgusting crime take place, and the shithead’s laughing. He notices my reaction but keeps talking: “Relax, I won’t do it. And you can relax about the administrator’s decision too, it’s all for the best.”

“You almost had me fooled like you had her fooled. She trusted you, she thought you were on her side. But you’re just a puppet on strings, doing whatever the administrator says. Isn’t that our job? Aren’t we entrusted with keeping the patients safe?”

He nods. “I’m paid to carry out the instructions of the institute’s administrator. No more, no less.”

“She believed in you.”

“She believed in you too.” He examines my reaction. I have no intention of falling into his trap. I know exactly why he’s here. The administrator must have sent him to test me.

“You’ve never lost yourself, Ellis, so shut up. You can’t imagine how easily the surest things can just evaporate in an instant,” I bark at him, fury coloring my words.

“If you’re saying that, it means you never bothered to really know me. And no, I didn’t lose my head for some girl. My heart belongs only to the Creator.”

“Then you’re the one who’s blind! She’s not just a girl, she’s the one who opened my eyes to the crimes taking place here in the name of faith! I was just like you until I dared look sideways and not march ahead like a herd of sheep.”

“You claim we’re a herd, but the truth is we’re the ones who know the truth. Faith is the only thing we have to hold onto in a world where so much evil exists. Our patients know that better than anyone. They lost their way, and we must remind them that we’re all God’s children, that He can forgive them if they’re willing to accept his teachings and salvation.”

“No, Ellis.” I straighten up and sharply glare at him. “The administrator has blinded you. And if you think hurting her will help your sucking-up to him, you’re wrong. And if he sent you to me, it means he fears me. But the truth is that He’s what you should fear most of all,” I point to the ceiling.

“But the administrator—”

“The administrator is acting under cover of sanctity, but he fulfills only his own desires. He’s been here too long, considers himself God and plays with these lost souls who’ve been forced to be here. He’s the one who’s lost his way.”

“That’s heresy, Bartimaeus.”

“Heresy against who? He who sits on high or the hypocrite signing your checks?” Ellis stands before me, stunned completely silent. “Just as I thought.” I rise after he does, unwilling to back down from my words or position.

“Still, she’ll be glad to see a friendly face before…” He can’t even finish the sentence.

“No.” I point the door. “You should hurry, you wouldn’t want to be late.” I look away and see that it’s one minute to eleven.

He leaves my office and I drop back into my chair.

When the clock in my office chimes at eleven, I sweep all the documents off my desk in frustration.

Belle didn’t show up for our evening session, or this morning’s, and now I know the reason. I didn’t dare go looking for her after the last words she spoke to me:I hope what’s haunting you will leave you be soon.

She’s the only one haunting me, and I can’t admit even to myself that I long for it too.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Bartimaeus

Three days later

Sometimes we wish with all our hearts for something to happen, and our desires are completely ignored. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment and accidentally, we wish for something horrible to happen, and that, of all wishes, comes true. Is that His way of punishing us for our sins?

The church is all lit with candles and the flames are going wild – like the storm of emotion within me. The choir sings their hymn and the pipe organ sends vibrations through my heart. I try to focus on the lyrics, but as far as I’m concerned they could be singing the grocery list hanging on a home refrigerator, it wouldn’t change a thing.

Because it wouldn’t matter for Belle.

The choir isn’t singing for her, or they’d be singing an elegy. Instead they praise the Creator and seek to instill hope in all those Belle left behind.

I look at her father, sitting in the front row, his face cold and expressionless like he’s used to this. With all his sorrow, at least he knew what to do. He’s not lost as he surely was the first time, when his wife took her own life. Maybe his humanity died with her.

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