Page 30 of Sin of the Saints

Lilith’s gaze flashes behind his back as she notices the congregation of demons.

“Love does not exist. It’s just another lieHehas fed you.” Venom drips from her voice, and she laughs in disdain.

“There is no day without night, no light without darkness, no good without evil,” Hillel says with clear disappointment. “So tell me, Lilith, if you believe in hatred, how is it that you do not believe in love?”

I blink several times, and take a deep breath. I’m experiencing these disconnects more frequently and it’s terrifying me. Their meaning frightens me. Lilith’s warning is still echoing in my head, and streams of bad omens cramp my veins. Lilith never knew love. All her life she knew only hatred. Driven by hate, shedestroyed everything she had with her own hands. When she couldn’t return the love of Hillel and her offspring, they repaid her in kind. Just as she couldn’t return the Creator’s love, whom she loathed more than any. Ashmedai’s declaration of love makes me nauseous. She knows Ashmedai can never love her, because she herself believes she’s unworthy of love from anyone, especially those close to her. And when Bar offered me his heart, all her fears rose up within me.

Bar loves me, loves Belle, and though I hadn’t known what love was, my senses plead with me to open my heart to him, to overcome my fears, to confess the terrifying fact that I love him. I let out a sigh of relief. Is that the recognition of my love, calling forth this calmness for me? I decide to return to the cabin, to confront Bar and pour my heart out to him.

A soft light bursts from the threshold.What’s he doing over there?I open the door and my breath catches in my throat. Many candles are scattered around the room, on the furniture and shelves. They’re lit, flames dancing in the wind I’ve brought with me. The white curtains flutter in the air, creating a romantic atmosphere in the cabin, and…horrendously sweet.Had he done this for me?

“Bar…?” I seek him out, deeply moved.

He walks into the living room from the bedroom. His mouth is curled into a beatific smile that reduces me to pathetic pieces. He walks over to the old stereo on the TV stand, and the opening piano notes of “Heaven2” break the silence.

As though we’re playing out a ‘90s movie scene, he holds out his hand and demands, rather than requests: “Dance with me.”

I chuckle but accept, slamming the door behind me, approaching and twining my hand with his. Sparks of heat fly out as we touch, making their way directly to my heart. He pulls me to his chest and I rest my head on it, closing my eyes. It seems that from the moment I shut the door all the air wassucked out of the cabin too. I’m having a hard time breathing when he’s so close to me.

“You couldn’t have picked a cornier song?” I whisper, wanting to mock him, but the truth is if he weren’t holding me I’d have already become a puddle.

“I thought it suited our story.” He kisses the top of my head.

I listen to the lyrics, about finding your place in Heaven through love, and Bar’s heart beats against my own. I can’t help sympathizing with the singer’s emotions.

“Banished, wandering lost, seeking the Heaven promised to her,” I mumble to myself as we sway together as one.You’re still searching for it, Lilith, your Heaven,I add in my heart, feeling it pulse in response. Does she have any remorse for what she did? Is that why she keeps reincarnating in the lands of Adam, expecting to find it here?

“Not that I know anything about it, but I was wondering if this is how every woman imagines her first time. I wanted to give that to you,” he says, stepping back a bit and turning me in a circle. I giggle naughtily, and the candle flames around us dance along to my movements.

“Aren’t we being a little arrogant, Bar? Who said I’d give in to you?” I jab at him, but the truth is I’ve waited for this moment since he first tasted me, since he made me want more for myself.

“The first time in every respect, Belle. I want to be your first love, the first to claim your heart, and if I’m lucky, your body as well.”

“Isn’t that a sin? Ellis was pretty clear about that.” He seems surprised by my question. “I heard you in the barn.”

“I can’t lie, I’ve found myself at constant war with the system of faith I was raised to follow. I set out on His Holiness’ orders to make war against demon-kind, but I found myself in the most important battle of my life. The day I met you, the only battle I cared about was the battle for your heart.”

“And you’re paying for it… and we’ll both keep paying for it when we challenge the order of things in our world. It’s not about just my end anymore, it’s about both of ours’.” I have to know that he’s aware of all the implications.

“Faith is strong, but it’s empty for me now. It no longer has any significance in my eyes.”

“How can that be?” I ask, and his clouded eyes are so honest that I feel exposed before him, as I’ve never felt before.

“Because after tasting you, I discovered you are my forbidden fruit. And after you filled my world, there was no way I’d go back to an empty place. I can’t understand how something I was taught to believe was so evil suddenly became the only thing that’s good in my eyes.”

“I’m good in your eyes?” My lower lip starts quivering at his moving words. Damn it, okay, turns out I’m a huge fan of being corny.

“You may be the source of all evil in the world to others, but you’re good to me. You were made for me, Belle, I have no doubt about that at all.”

He bends down and gently kisses my lips, I feel the caution in his movements and his anxiety that I’ll reject him again.

I have no intention of doing that.

I stand on the tips of my toes, pull him to me and wrap my hands around the back of his neck. His gentleness can get the hell out of here, I mean to devour him. I have no desire or ability left to fight the fierce passion I feel for him.

When I start losing myself in our savage kiss, he pushes me back, and I whine in protest.

“I want you to trust me, Belle. I want to claim you, all of you, but I can only do that if you know you’re safe with me.” He looks so deeply into my eyes, and I feel him stripping my soul bare. Despite losing his sight, I’m the only one he sees, that he really sees.

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