Page 35 of Ruthless Regret

I glance at the bed through the open door of the bathroom. The room doesn’t belong to me. It belongs to the kid I was before prison.

I tried to sleep there. Tried to pretend I was the same person who the room belonged to. But the truth is, I don’t belong in that space.

I don’t belong in a world that has moved on without me.

Leaning my head back against the vanity unit, I close my eyes. The image of my cell comes back, sharp and vivid. The narrow bunk beds, the small sink, the toilet that sat in a corner, and the shelf that doubled as a desk.

It was a world of confinement, sure, but it wasmyworld. I knew how to navigate it, how to survive in it.

Out here? I don’t know shit.

Well, nothing except the fact that when I touched Ashley, when I stripped her and tasted her and fucked her, it made being free a little more real, made me feel a little more normal.

It wasn’t about revenge or payback. Iwantedher. Not to hurt her, not to make her suffer.

I. Wanted. Her.

The girl that ruined my life.

The girl who’s haunted me for years.

The second I got the taste of her on my tongue, the hate I felt for her twisted into something else. Something raw and primal. And it scares the fuck out of me, because I don’t know what it means.

I can’t undo what I’ve done, any more than she can. Neither of us can take back the decisions we made that led us to this point. And sitting here on the bathroom floor, it dawns on me that the revenge I’ve been chasing for so long is just another prison. One I built for myself.

And I don’t know how to break out of it.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

ASHLEY

Karla and Jessa-Maesurface around seven. Doors slam, showers run, and I get up to make coffee for them both. Jessa is the first to enter the kitchen. She pauses in the doorway, and frowns at me.

“I didn’t think you’d be up yet.”

I hand her a mug. “I couldn’t sleep.” I don’t mention the nightmare that woke me. “Are you at work today?”

She nods, and drags out a chair so she can sit down. “We’re both on the same shift today. Why don’t you come in with us? That way you’re not here alone all day.”

“No. I’ve got a few things to do.”

“Didn’t the sheriff say not to be alone?”

“We’re in the middle of New York, during the day. I don’t think anything is going to happen to me.” I sound a lot more certain than I really feel. But I don’t want my friends to feel like they need to babysit me.

“Are you sure?”

“Sure about what?” Karla walks into the room.

“I’m sure that I don’t need to follow you both around like a lost puppy at work all day.” I nod toward the mug of coffee waiting for her on the counter. “I made you a drink.”

Karla tosses me a smile, and scoops it up. “Thanks.” She joins us at the table. “What are your plans for the day?”

“I’m going to go and buy a new phone, then call my mom and see if she can get my license back from Zain. I’d rather do that than have to apply for a replacement. Luckily, I didn’t leave my credit card in my phone case. That’s in my purse.”

“Maybe you should wait for us to come home before you go shopping,” Karla says.

“It’s fine. Nothing is going to happen to me.” My voice is firm, but I’m not sure whether I’m trying to convince them orme.

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