Page 67 of Down My Chimney

“I pushed you,” I said, my voice breaking. “I pushed you to come out when you weren’t ready. And I said it was because I needed you to reallybewith me, but Blake, that was my shit. I was trying to use you to fill this hole inside me.”

Blake arched an eyebrow, and I blushed.

“Not likethat. I just—I realized I’ve always felt like I’m playing this role for other people. The big, brave activist who doesn’t care what other people think. But Idocare, more than I want to admit, and when you—when you and I were—it was like you were the only person who reallysawme, you know?”

I took a step towards him. “I’m doing such a terrible job of explaining this. It’s just…I think I wanted you to come out because I felt like if you didn’t, you were saying you were ashamed of me. But if you did, it was like I was showing the world that I really was worth something. But none of that was fair to you. You deserved someone who saw what you were going through and who helpedyou, instead of letting his fears control him. And I am so, so sorry for fucking things up. I know I can’t take it back, and I know you probably hate me right now, but you have to know how sorry I am.”

I was out of breath when I finally stopped talking. Blake’s mouth had fallen open, and I watched him warily, bracing for him to tell me he didn’t want to hear it.

And then, he laughed.

“Henry, if you want to talk about letting your fears control you,I’mthe one who did that, not you. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I was so convinced that coming out would be the end of my life that I let my fear ruin everything good that I already had.”

He ran a hand through his hair. “God, I’ve been a mess this past semester. This whole year, really. I wasthis closeto dropping out, all because I was trying so hard not to let anyone see the real me, and it was awful.”

He laughed again, softer now. “You want to know why my parents keep wanting me to talk to you? It’s because I finally came out to them, and they’re convinced you can give me tips on how to live an out-and-proud gay life. They’ve come around to the idea that I’m never going to be a Rhodes scholar, but I think they’re still hoping you’ll give me some pep talk that will convince me I really do want to get a PhD.”

“Wait, what?” I stared at him in confusion. “You told them?”

He nodded. “I mean, not about us. But about—about me.”

A rush of joy filled me. I knew this didn’t mean we were back together, but I didn’t even care about that right now. Blake had done something he’d been scared to do for so long, and he didn’t seem like he regretted it.

“That’s amazing. I mean, it is, right? How did it go?”

“It went surprisingly well,” he said with a sheepish smile. “Honestly, I probably shouldn’t saysurprising. I knew they were going to be fine with it, but I guess a part of me was still scared. It was good though. And it made me brave enough to tell my roommates next.”

“You told your roommates?”

I felt weak in the knees. I’d never realized how sure a part of me had been that Blake was never going to do it. I knew it was his choice. I would have supported him if he’d decided not to. But hehad, and he looked happier and lighter than he had in months.

“I did,” he said.

“And it—how was—I mean, it went well?”

Blake nodded. “Better than I expected, to be honest. They were great. Or, well, Matty was. But they were all decent about it, and I think they’ve kind of gotten used to the idea by now.”

“That’s fucking awesome,” I said, grinning. I couldn’t have stopped if I’d wanted to. “Seriously, Blake, that’s—”

“It is,” he interrupted, “except it’s also not, because I should have done it months ago. I should have done it the moment I knew. But instead, I kept it a secret. I kept you a secret.”

“You had every right to do that. It was your choice, not mine.”

“But I should have stuck up for you. The last time you came to visit, I acted like I had no idea what you were doing or why you were there. I’m so fucking sorry. That was awful of me.”

“In all fairness, you really didn’t know why I was there. And you definitely weren’t expecting to find me with a dildo in my ass in the middle of your bed.”

“I think technically, it wasoutof your ass by the time I found you. But still, I shouldn’t have let you take the blame for that.”

“Well, I shouldn’t have left the door unlocked.”

“Henry, will you just accept my apology? I let my fear tear us apart, over something so stupid.”

“But you really didn’t. That was all me.”

“Come on,” he said, a small smile playing on his lips. “It was a little bit me.”

“You’re doing it again,” I said, laughing in spite of myself. “You’re being too nice to me.”

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