Page 61 of Down My Chimney

“Yeah, and one of those times, he was jerking off on your bed, waiting for you to come home.”

“Was he jerking off?” Dev asked. “I thought you said he was shoving a dildo up his ass.”

“It’s the same thing,” Matty said. “The point is—”

“It isnotthe same thing,” Taylor interrupted. “One actually feels good. The other is the gayest thing imaginable—no offense, Blake—and involves putting somethingina hole that’s only supposed to be for things goingout.”

“But obviously it has to feel good too, or people wouldn’t do it,” Dev said.

“Maybe some people.” Taylor raised an eyebrow. “But you’re not gonna catch me sitting on a rubber dick and pretending I like it.”

“Jerking off or using a dildo,” Matty said, “it doesn’t matter. Thepointis that either one of those is a weird thing to do in a family friend’s bedroom while he’s at the library,ifthat’s all he is to you. But if he’s actually your secret boyfriend, and you’re getting ready for some sexy times, then it makes more sense.”

“Holy shit, that’s true,” Dev said. “So Blakedidhave a secret girlfriend this whole time. She was just a boyfriend. And a he.”

“Why do you think I didn’t tell you guys about him, if this is how you react?” I groaned. I supposed they could have been taking it worse, but still. I turned to Taylor. “And while we’re at it, you can’t just say ‘no offense’ and then say the most offensive thing possible and expect people not to get mad.”

“I didn’t say it was bad!” Taylor objected. “I just said it was gay.”

“I think it’s just biology,” Matty said. “The dildo thing. Because of the prostate, right? So like, any guy could theoretically use a dildo and enjoy it, even if he were straight. I heard it on a podcast,” he added, when Dev gave him a look.

As much as I appreciated Matty’s support, I couldn’t help feeling like we were getting off-track.

“Forget the dildo,” I said. “And forget Henry. Just tell me if my being gay is going to be an issue for you, okay?”

“It’s not an issue with me,” Matty said promptly. “But thatiskind of a hard dildo to forget. It was verylarge. And rainbow-colored. It’s the kind of thing that lingers in the mind.”

“Yeah, but did you not hear the part where he said Henry dumped him?” Dev said. “Maybe he doesn’t want you reminding him of that all the time.” It was surprisingly thoughtful, and Matty looked a little chagrined. Dev turned to me. “And no, man, I don’t care if you’re gay. Hell, it means less competition for me with the ladies.”

I looked over at Taylor, who shrugged. “As long as I don’t have to see it.”

Matty frowned. “You make out with Emily all the time in front of us. So you’d better not be telling Blake he can’t make out with guys in front of you.”

“I didn’t say he can’t make out with a guy in front of me,” Taylor shot back. “I just said I didn’t want to see him having butt sex with a guy.”

“Yeah, except that’s not actually what you said.”

“Taylor’s just jealous,” Dev laughed, “because Emily still won’t let him do anal.”

“Look, I don’t want to be the fun police,” I broke in, “but I feel like maybe we should also respect people’s privacy a bit more? Like, Taylor, if your girlfriend doesn’t want to have anal sex with you, that’s her shit—”

“Literally,” Dev snorted.

“And I don’t think we should be joking about it. It’s between you and her, not us. And on that subject, maybe we could stop sayingno homoand calling things gay and all that?”

Taylor gave me a martyred look, but when I just stared at him, he nodded. “Okay. Yeah. Got it.”

Dev, on the other hand, looked thoughtful. “Wait, is Blake the only one of us who’s ever actually had anal sex?”

“Literally, what did I just say?” I asked, but Dev shook his head.

“No, I’m not saying it as a joke. I’m asking honestly.”

My eyes narrowed. “Why would you even want to know?”

“Well, because like Matty said. It’s supposed to feel good for guys, because of the prostate, right? But if girls don’t have that…maybe that’s why Emily doesn’t want to try it. And maybe if Taylor were more understanding of that—”

“Oh, fuck you,” Taylor said, reaching for a piece of pizza. “You don’t get to play relationship therapist when you haven’t brought a girl home all semester. Even Blake’s getting more action than you.”

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