Page 79 of My Irresistible Enemy

“Whatdoyou need, Nolan?”

I inhaled slowly. Made myself count to ten before answering.

“I don’t do relationships.”

“You’ve said as much. But I’m not asking you to do one. Not for real. I’m just asking you to let me make you feel good.”

I looked down at my hands. I had two options here. Explain everything to Aiden. Actually explain it, instead of talking around it. Which would involve thinking about it. Acknowledging it. Admitting it had happened.

Or I could leave. I could stand up, walk out of here, and never talk about this again.

Nobody was making me answer. Only I could decide.

I took a shaky breath. “It’s about control.”

“What is?”

“Sex. It’s not that I—I just don’t—I can’t…let go of control. Not very easily.”

“Really? You don’t say.”

I didn’t have to look up to know Aiden was smiling sardonically.

“I’m serious. When I say I don’t want you to—to touch me. It’s not about you. It’s just easier to get other people off, and then take care of myself later.”

“What, like you make me come and then you go jerk off all sad and alone?”

“It’s nice to know I have such a sympathetic listener.”

“I’m sorry! I’m not trying to make you feel bad about yourself. I just don’t get it. You’re hot. And I’m pretty sure you don’t have like, a micro-dick. And even if you did, that’s no reason to hide yourself away. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“It’s not shame,” I snapped. “It’s—it’s—”

Fuck,wasit shame?

My heart was thumping so hard, I was surprised it hadn’t shattered my ribs. The thought of spilling any more was unbearable. I felt like I might throw up.

“The reason I’m worried about your CamFans account,” I said slowly, “isn’t because I think you’re too stupid to take care of yourself. It’s because I know that even when youdotake precautions, even when you do everything right, you can still get royally, royally fucked over.”

I looked up at him, at his eyes that were so immensely blue.

“About a year ago, I was at a party. There was this guy. We’d been flirting for a while, had some mutual friends. He was hosting a goodbye party for someone and asked me to come over. And like I said, I don’t date, but I figured it would be a fun night. That we’d hook up, have a good time, and I’d go home.”

I made myself continue. “The last thing I remember is him saying he was going to get me another beer. Then everything goes blank. All I know is that I woke up the next day—the nextafternoon, not even the morning—in a bed that was not his bed, an apartment that was not his apartment, with no memory of how I got there. I was naked. And I was…sore.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the tears I felt pressing at the backs of them to subside.

“I tried not to freak out about it at first. I’d gone out with the intention to hook up with him. But then a different guy, a guy I’d never seen before, walked into the room and said—”

I broke off. His words were burned into my memory, but that didn’t make them any easier to say.

“Nolan, you don’t have to talk about this,” Aiden said, but I shook my head. If I was going to tell him anything, it wouldn’t do any good unless I told him everything.

“He said, ‘Oh, you’re up. The guys will be excited. Want to go for round two? Or I guess it would be more like round six, actually.’”

“Fuck.”

“Needless to say, I left pretty quickly. Found my clothes and stumbled out of there. On the bus back to my place, the other guy, the one I’d gone out to meet, texted me and asked how I was doing. His exact words were, ‘You were pretty wild last night. Love to see you again tonight, if you’re down.’”

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