Page 98 of My Irresistible Enemy

“I’m an addict,” she said, pulling the afghan tight around her. “I’ve been sober since I got sick, but it’ll always be there, this part of me. This thing I carry. And I just—I blame myself for everything Nolan’s been through.”

Please stop.Please stop.Please stop. The phrase ran on a loop through my head, but it didn’t do any good.

“Nolan doesn’t know this, but I’d been using since before his dad and I got married. That’s how we met, actually. He used to be someone I would score from. And when he started getting violent, I just wasn’t strong enough. I used to get high just so I wouldn’t have to be in my body anymore. Wouldn’t have to think about my life.”

Her words were a tidal wave. They hit so hard that I went numb, and strangely hollow. I felt transparent. Like I might blow away with the next gust of wind.

My mom cried on the screen, and I stared at her, struggling to make sense of what she’d said. She’d been using before the divorce? Before I got taken away? How could that be?

It didn’t make sense. I would have seen. I would have known.

Would you have?whispered a voice in the back of my head.How? How would you know what signs to look for, when you were just a kid?

“When Nolan was sent to live with his grandparents, I tried so hard to get sober,” my mom said when she finally got her tears under control. “Tried so hard to be the mom he needed. But I just couldn’t do it. Not even for my baby boy, who never deserved any of the things that happened to him.”

String music began to play underneath her words, soft and sweet, but I wanted to scream. I felt a warmth building in my gut, and not a good kind. I was right back in elementary school, sitting in the principal’s office with my teacher, explaining that sometimes, my dad got mad and hit my mom and me.

I’d blamed myself for that foryears. For breaking up my family, for my mom’s addiction, for ruining everything. But if she’d been using since before I was born, then what the hell had I been trying so hard to make up for all these years?

That warmth turned into heat, and heat blazed into rage.

“I owe him so much,” my mom said, strings swelling tender and hopeful as she spoke. “After everything I put him through, he could have turned away from me, and I wouldn’t have blamed him. But Nolan is good, and kind, and if he seems a little reserved sometimes, it’s just because he’s been burned before and is trying to—”

I couldn’t listen to this anymore. I couldn’tbe hereanymore. I turned and walked away from the judges’ table, the video still playing on the screen. I tore through the tent, ignoring Tanner’s shouted commands and Vivian’s questions. Aiden reached a hand out, and I darted away, not wanting him to touch me. I needed to be alone.

I made it to my room, somehow. I wasn’t even aware of entering the inn or climbing the steps, I was just there, suddenly. I shook. My mom had been lying to me my whole life. Letting me think that everything was my fault.

I wanted to yell. Wanted to break something. Needed to do something with the anger coursing through me because otherwise,Imight break.

Without thinking, I turned and punched a wall, then screamed in pain. Goddammit. I’d never done that before, only seen it on TV. What the hell was the inn made out of, solid steel?

“What thefuck?” I yelled.

There was a timid knock on the door behind me.

“Nolan? Can I come in?”

“Go away.” I couldn’t deal with anyone right now. I didn’t trust myself.

“Maybe I could come in, and we could talk about it?”

“Goaway, Aiden,” I growled.

“Okay, I get that you’re upset, but I’m kinda worried about you. If you could just open the door and let me see that you’re—”

I stalked to the door and yanked it open before he could finish.

“Don’t youlisten?” I snarled. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

I was afraid of what I might do, what I might say, if Aiden refused to leave. I wasn’t in control of myself, not at all.

He blinked. I felt a tiny shred of guilt but crushed it ruthlessly. I was angry, and Iwantedto be angry. I’d asked him to leave. It wasn’t my problem if he was incapable of following the simplest instructions.

“Fine, then.” Aiden stared up at me. “Maybe you’ll listen instead. Based on what you said last week, I’m guessing you’re not thrilled about your mom doing that interview—”

“You think?”

“—But have you stopped to consider how much it helps you? Even the way you stormed out of the tent just now probably helps you, if you play it right. Just say you were so overwhelmed by what your mom said, how you love her so much, but you didn’t expect her to share that with everyone—”

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