Page 56 of My Irresistible Enemy

I laughed. “You didn’t ask. You never talk to me unless it’s about a challenge. How would you have known?”

He made a face but didn’t contradict me, which I was beginning to realize was the Nolan equivalent of anyone else saying,Yes, you’re right, good point.

“It’s been nice, getting to hang out with them while we’re here, but that isnota life that I would want long-term.” I took a sip of my sangria. After a moment, Nolan took another sip of punch, then grimaced again.

“Just set it down,” I told him. “That way you won’t keep forgetting that you hate it and drinking more of it.”

“It gives me something to do with my hands.” He shot me a look. “And yes, I heard thehandsinnuendo as soon as I said that, so you don’t actually have to make that joke.”

I hadn’t been planning to. It was clear that Nolan was implying he felt nervous, and that didn’t seem like something I should tease him about. I definitely knew better than to ask him why he was nervous. But explaining all of that would only make it awkward.

“What about you?” I asked instead.

“What kind of life do I want long-term?”

“Actually, I meant do you have brothers or sisters, but I’ll be generous and say you can answer the other question instead, if you’d rather.” I grinned.

“No siblings,” Nolan said.

“Do you wish you had any?”

“I don’t know. How can you miss something you’ve never had?” He looked out at the crowd and just when I thought he wasn’t going to say anything else, added, “Sometimes I think it would be easier now if I did. But it’s probably for the best.”

“Why?”

I regretted the question immediately. I was sure Nolan would push back on it. But he was just quiet, staring out over the sea of people. Finally he turned to me. “Because I wouldn’t wish my childhood on anyone else.”

His voice was so quiet, so filled with regret, that I was speechless. Nothing seemed like an appropriate response. Not just because of what he’d said, but the fact that he’d said it at all.

I couldn’t think of any other time Nolan had volunteered so much information about himself.

“I’m sorry,” I said after a minute.

“It’s okay.” He waved my apology away with a tiny hand-flick. “I mean, it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t all awful. And I don’t really have the right to complain, all things considered.”

Silence reigned again.

“My parents sucked too,” I blurted out after a moment. “Sorry, I guess I shouldn’t assume that your parents were the problem. I just meant—well, aside from Gabe, my family is pretty shitty. My parents never should have gotten married. They definitely shouldn’t havestayedmarried.”

Nolan gave a small nod. “I know the feeling. Up to a point, anyway.”

“It wasn’t as bad for him,” I continued. “Gabe, that is. He’s smart and driven and athletic, and everyone liked him. High school was easy for him, and even though my parents weren’t thrilled when he came out, at least he’d already finished college and had a job. They couldn’t really do much to him.”

Nolan cocked his head to the side. “I’m assuming that wasn’t the case for you?”

“Yeah, no.” I laughed. If I sounded bitter, so be it. “I came out to them as a freshman in high school. First they told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. Then they told me I was doing it for attention. Then I kissed a boy from another church’s youth group at a weekend conference, and they told me that they couldn’t support me anymore if I acted like that.”

“Jesus.”

“They didn’t kick me out, but it was like—like I stopped existing to them. When I started getting shit at school for being gay, they just asked me what I’d expected. Said that unless I was willing to go back in the closet, to lie and say it had all been a phase, there wasn’t anything they could do. That I was choosing myself over our family. As though our family had been so great to begin with. Sometimes I think the only reason they’ve stayed together so long is the common ground they find in being disgusted by me.”

I took a long drink of sangria, relishing the burn of alcohol down my throat.

“If I’m being totally honest, that’s probably part of the reason I wanted to come on this show. To show them that I’d made it. They always said I’d never amount to anything. But I just fucking know that this is the kind of show they would watch, and the idea of them seeing me be happy and visibly gay—well,thatdoesn’t suck.”

“Yeah,” Nolan said slowly. “Yeah, I can see that.”

“It’s probably part of why I don’t want to get sent home, either.” I was babbling now, saying too much, too fast, but whether it was the sangria or just the surprise of Nolan listening to me, I couldn’t stop. “I’ve never been good at anything. I’m not athletic. My grades fucking sucked in high school. There was no way college was on the table. The only things that come naturally to me are being cute and being obnoxious. But if that’s all I’ve got, I’ve gotta use it, right?”

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