Page 58 of My First Time Fling

Everything in me sank like a stone. Jesse was talking to Tanner again. I was too late.

I watched them for a moment, hoping that somehow, my eyes were lying to me. But then Tanner said something, and Jesse threw his head back and laughed, and I had to look away.

“Drive,” I growled.

Gabe looked at me in confusion. “What? I thought you said you saw him. Don’t you want to—”

“I said drive!” I shouted. “Now.”

Gabe stared at me like I had three heads, but slowly eased his foot off the brake and drove down the street.

I noticed my phone was lit up and I swiped it on. I had a text. From Jesse, of all people. Asking if we were still meeting for breakfast before the marathon tomorrow.

Insult to injury. No wonder he’d sent me that ‘friend’ text in the middle of the week. He’d already gone back to Tanner. He was probably just trying to reach out and be courteous now. I wasbeyondtoo late—I had been too late for days.

Well, maybe he was ready to be the bigger person, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t deserve Jesse. And I did want him to be happy. But if Tanner was the person who made him happy—well, I wouldn’t stand in the way, but I couldn’t bear to see it either.

I stared straight ahead the whole way home.

19

Jesse

When my alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. the morning of the marathon, the first thing I did was check my phone for texts.

Zilch.

Somewhere in the middle of the sinking feeling of disappointment that created, I remembered I wasn’t supposed to be checking incessantly, hoping to hear from Mark. I’d decided to let him go the night before, hadn’t I?

Hmm. Maybe I could blame my lapse on the fact that I hadn’t had any coffee yet. Or maybe it was just that the elation of telling Tanner off had finally run its course through my system, and I’d forgotten that this was my new normal. The heartbreak was still there, but at least it was more of a dull ache than a knife stabbing into my stomach repeatedly.

I supposed that counted as progress.

I hauled myself out of bed, showered, gulped down some coffee and an energy bar, and got changed. I stuck my head outside to check the temperature. Even though it was still dark, it was already sweltering, and so humid it felt like entering another shower.

I’d just have to think cooling, peaceful thoughts of Antarctica as I ran today. Imagine myself floating away on an iceberg like that poor—no. No, I wasn’t going to let my mind go down that dark path this morning either. Only positive thoughts, and visions of the massive iced coffee I’d drink when the race was over.

At least I didn’t have to worry about waking up any of my housemates. They’d already been drunk when I got back from the store last night, too shit-faced to do more than grunt when I said hi. The last of them had only gone to sleep about two hours ago, and I was pretty sure there was so much alcohol in their systems they wouldn’t notice the house burning down around them. So I didn’t feel bad as I stretched and warmed up on the creaking floors of the living room, waiting for Brooklyn to come pick me up.

“You feeling ready?” he asked me as I slid into the passenger seat of his car. He’d offered to drop me off at the starting line so I wouldn’t have to worry about parking. He had the air conditioner on full blast as we drove, and I found myself starting to shiver.

“As much as I’ll ever be,” I said, wryly.

“You’ve got this,” Brooklyn said, and my mind flashed back to all the times Mark would say that to me during training runs, and I’d—no. No bulldogs, and no Mark. I wasnotgoing to think about him this morning. He didn’t get to take up space in my head while I was running. This run was for me.

“Are we swinging by the cafe?” Brooklyn continued, glancing over at me. My stomach tensed at his words. Should we? What if Mark was there, even if he hadn’t responded? This could be my only chance to see him. But no, that didn’t make any sense. He wouldn’t not respond to my texts, but still show up to meet me. I was just being silly, getting my hopes up for something that would never happen.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. I had to acknowledge reality. The sooner I did it, the better. “Don’t bother.”

Brooklyn raised his eyebrows at me but said nothing. I turned and looked out the window. I was not going to think about Mark today. I wasn’t.

“Good luck,” Brooklyn said, pulling over at the side of the road near the starting area of the race. “I guess this is it. You’re going to do great.”

“I’m going to finish,” I said. “And that’s good enough for me.”

I hopped out of the car and jogged over to the registration tent to pick up my bib. My fingers were clumsy in the swampy morning air, already sweaty, and I struggled to pin my number to the front of my shirt. But at least it was beginning to get light out. I got the last safety pin in and then glanced at my watch. Another thirty minutes until starting time.

I tried to stretch some more and then jogged a bit, despite the heat. Something about the atmosphere was beginning to infect me, waking me up more than I’d expected. The air felt alive, coiled like a spring, full of potential energy just waiting to release. Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad. I could tell my mood was bouncing all over the place, but I figured I might as well enjoy this upswing while it lasted.

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