Page 56 of My First Time Fling

I was so confused. Wasn’t I supposed to be getting some kind of lecture that told me that I’d done it all wrong, that I’d fucked things up completely? Or was that just what I was hoping for? For someone else—anyone else—to tell me what to do? Because I, for one, felt fucking lost and had no idea where to go from here.

“Even if I felt like I could have kept dating Jesse, I couldn’t ask him to be with me,” I said defensively. “Not after everything he’s been through with his mom.”

Gabe just stared at me some more, before saying, “I don’t know, man. Couldn’t you? I mean, whether he says yes or not is up to him. You can’t make that decision for him, that’s for sure. But why couldn’t you ask him to date you, PTSD and all?”

“Because that would be so selfish. Asking someone to put up with that. The never knowing. The constant waiting for the other shoe to drop. And not being sure it’s ever going to get better.”

“Dude, asking anyone to date you is selfish,” Gabe said. “Like, inherently. The act of saying to someone, ‘Hey, I think you should date me andonlyme for the rest of the foreseeable future,’ is kinda selfish when you look at it that way. But no one would ever say that you shouldn’t do that, or the human race would die out.”

“Yeah, but we’re not talking about other people. We’re talking about me.”

“Well, it still kinda sounds like you’re trying to make his decision for him.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I protested.

“Nah, bro. Not if it’s because you’re scared he’d say no, and you’re trying to keep yourself from getting hurt. Then it makes perfect sense.”

“But—”

“I mean, it’s dumb, don’t get me wrong, because this way, you’re guaranteeing you don’t get to be with him, and you’re clearly hurting anyway. But in its own weird way, it makes a kind of sense.”

I stared at Gabe for a moment and then started laughing. I’d been so ready for him to argue with me, to tell me I was being stupid. But when he finally did, it was still in the context of being understanding and weirdly supportive.

“What?” he asked, looking at me suspiciously.

“Nothing, I just—” I snorted, “God, sorry, I just—I wasn’t prepared for you to be so freaking agreeable.”

“Hey, I’m not here to judge.”

“You know what the dumbest thing is?” I said. “Since you’re not judging, I mean. Since the breakup, I haven’t had a single nightmare. Not one flashback. I don’t know if this is permanent or what, but for now, anyway, it’s like they’re gone, completely.”

“Whoa. Weird. Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t fucking know,” I exploded. “I don’t knowanything, and I’m so sick of fucking not knowing. I’m such a goddamn mess. I felt like I was losing myself, trying to keep it under control. Hiding all of this from Jesse and pretending to be someone I’m not, someone with this perfect life, and I just—I couldn’t do it anymore. I was disintegrating. But then why don’t I feel any better, now that I made the right decision? Aren’t you supposed to feelbetterafter you do the right thing? Why don’t I feel less like I’m falling apart?”

“I don’t know, man.” Gabe shrugged. “I really don’t. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why you haven’t had a panic attack or nightmare since you broke up, though.”

“What, I’m too sad to have them anymore?”

“Nah, dude. Because you’re not hiding it anymore. Youtoldhim finally, and that took some of the weight off you. The pressure’s gone.”

“But they could come back. At any time. I can’t just call him up and be like, ‘Hey, I’m cured forever, just forget about everything that happened.’”

“Sure, they could come back,” Gabe nodded. “And no, I’m not saying you should say that, but—”

“I won’t be able to control it. I could call him up and ask him to take me back, and then five minutes later, I could have a panic attack and fucking lose it.”

“Maybe.”

“And then what—just tell him that’s what life with me is gonna be like? Never knowing if I’m going to have a flashback in the middle of a bar, or wake up screaming because I don’t know where I am?”

“Is that really what you’re worried about?” Gabe asked, his brow furrowing. “Because I gotta be honest, as far as worst-case scenarios go…that really doesn’t seem that bad to me? I mean, sure, it’s not fun, but there are lots of parts of life that aren’t fun. Everyone’s dealing with something, and no one’s life is going to be perfect all the time. But that’s no reason to pull away from people, is it?”

“What if I hurt him?” I closed my eyes and made myself say the words that clung to my insides like tar. “Like, for real? What if I lose my mind and think he’s someone else, what if I try to attack him in my sleep, what if he tries to help me, and I get mad at him, and then I do something that I—”

“Mark. Mark!” Gabe’s voice cut through the panic spiraling inside me.

I opened my eyes and looked at him, guilt curling through my gut as though I’d already done all the horrible things that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

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