Page 54 of My First Time Fling

Charlotte snorted. “Somehow, I’m not surprised. He’s a good boy, though, and so are you. It’ll turn out alright. Just wait and see.”

I was glad somebody had some confidence in the future, even if I didn’t. One thing I knew for certain, though, was that I couldn’t just wait around and see what happened. I needed to stay busy, and distracted.

Even though I wasn’t supposed to run much the week before the marathon, I went out for a quick run each day, just a few miles. And against all odds, I found myself looking forward to the race. I might have signed up for it for stupid reasons, and trained for it with ulterior motives, but goddamn it, I was going to run that marathon for myself.

The night before the race, I walked to the neighborhood grocery store to pick up some pasta for dinner. I’d been debating all night whether to send a final text to Mark. Back when we were together—I was trying to get used to the muted pain that came with thinking sentences like that—we’d planned on meeting at Cardigan Cafe early to grab a light breakfast before the race.

I was pretty sure that plan was off. I wasn’t even sure Mark was still going to run the marathon. But on my way out of the grocery store, I decided that I would text him a final time to ask if he still wanted to do that. And then, I promised myself, I wouldn’t text him again.

I hit send with a sense of finality. That was it. No more Mark in my life from now on. Time to accept it. I was going to go home tonight, run this race tomorrow, and move on with the rest of my life.

“Jesse?” said a voice behind me.

It was odd. I knew the voice wasn’t Mark’s. But it was familiar, and I couldn’t place it immediately, and as I turned around, I found myself hoping against hope that it would be him anyway.

“Tanner?” I said, my jaw dropping when I saw who it was instead.

“Hey,” Tanner said, that same old smile in place, as arrogant as ever. “How are you?”

I hadn’t seen him in over a month, and for the first time in, well, ever, I didn’t feel that sadness in the pit of my stomach when I looked at him. In fact, I didn’t feel anything. What a strange thing to realize.

“I’m…fine,” I said, cautiously. When it came to seeing Tanner, at least, I really was. I didn’t feel like going into everything else going on in my life, and Tanner didn’t have a right to know. “How are you doing?”

“Not so great, actually.” His face lost that easy smile and turned softer, somehow. Almost contrite, except I couldn’t imagine him ever feeling that way. He walked over, coming to stand just two feet away from me on the sidewalk. “I just found out I’m not being asked back for next semester. Oh, and Quentin and I broke up.”

I didn’t know how to react to that. I felt too many things at once. Confusion, elation, and a healthy dose of schadenfreude, if I were being honest. But most of all, I just felt tired. It turned out, I didn’t want to know about what was going on with Tanner anymore. That part of my life was done.

“I’m sorry,” I said finally, because it felt like I had to say something.

“Thanks.” Tanner looked down into my eyes. “I can’t believe I ran into you tonight. I was just thinking about you, you know. Wondering how you were doing.” He glanced down at the grocery bag in my hands. “Probably getting ready for the race tomorrow. I don’t suppose I could interest you in a small coffee before dinner tonight, could I?”

I stared at him for a long moment, then burst out laughing. Was this really happening? I couldn’t believe it. It was months—hell,years—too late. For so long, I would have killed for Tanner to regret his choices, to realize he wanted me all along. But now?

“I’m sorry, Tanner,” I said, shaking my head. “I didn’t mean to laugh. I was just surprised, is all. But no. No, I do not want to get coffee with you.”

Short and sweet had to be the best response, right?

“Jesse, I understand if you’re still hurting. Still mad at me.” Tanner reached a hand out towards me, and I stepped backwards, avoiding it. He let it fall. “But I’ve changed. And I’d love to get a chance to show you that. I think we’d make a great team together. I’ve always thought that.”

I shook my head, stifling another laugh that was threatening to bubble up, because something had just clicked into place inside me. I hadn’t believed it when Mark had told me. I couldn’t quite believe Brooklyn when he’d said it either. But somehow it was Tanner, the guy who’d started all of this, who got me to finally see it.

I didn’t need a guy to complete me.

Sure, I still wanted a partner to be by my side. And yeah, I’d started to think that Mark could have been that guy. But he wasn’t. And that sucked. But I’d be okay on my own until I met whoever that guy turned out to be.

I certainly didn’t need to take whatever sad leftovers Tanner was trying to sell me now.

“Tanner, I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time. But I don’t agree. I don’t think we’d make a particularly good team. I don’t think you’d make a great team with anybody, to be honest. And I certainly don’t need you in my life. Have a good night. Oh, and good luck at the race tomorrow.”

With that, I stepped around him and continued down the sidewalk.

I still didn't feel good. Not with what was going on with Mark, not about the fact that he'd broken my heart. But for the first time since he'd broken up with me, I could see that maybe, just maybe, life without him would be manageable.

I didn't have to be okay now. But one day, I would be.

18

Mark

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