Page 51 of My First Time Fling

“You don’t want to be with me?” Jesse repeated, his voice small.

I do want to be with you. I do. But I can’t. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see how much this is killing me?

“I guess not,” I said, despising myself more with every word.

I hadn’t thought Jesse would want to be with me, once he found out. I hadn’t expected to have to break up with him. But there was one thing I knew for sure, and that was that this relationship was hurting both of us. What I was doing now was awful, hurtful, and despicable. But every other option was even worse.

I made my voice harsh. “I just don’t see this going anywhere, long term. And I can’t do casual. So.”

“How can you—” Jesse stopped and looked at the ground. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. “I don’t understand. How can you just change your mind like that? I thought everything was good between us. I mean, sure, it’s a little complicated now, but—but couldn’t we work it out?”

Steeling myself, I said, “My feelings for you just aren’t strong enough.”

“Oh.” Jesse squeezed his eyes shut, but I could still see tears leaking out of the corners. “I guess—I guess there’s nothing else I can say, then. If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.” I took a final look at his face, committing it to memory. Not just how beautiful he was, but how he looked in this moment. How badly I’d hurt him. I needed to remember that. “I need to go.”

I turned and walked away before I said anything else I would regret.

Even if Jesse would choose to be with me, to stay with me despite my damage, I couldn’t let that happen. Since we started dating, I’d been happier than I’d ever been, but I’d also been coming apart at the seams. I was losing a battle with my broken brain, and much as I wanted to be with Jesse, I couldn’t. Not if it meant losing myself.

So I had to walk away. Had to stay strong. If I turned back, if I gave him a chance to talk me out of it, I’d cave. Because I’d realized something, just now. I was in love with Jesse. And if I gave into that, we’d both end up lost.

17

Jesse

I’m honestly not sure what happened for the first three days after Mark broke up with me.

Time passed in a haze. I didn’t shower. Didn’t really get out of bed. I hardly ate, which was bizarre, because I was usually always hungry, especially since I’d started training for the race. My stomach barely even growled.

I couldn’t believe what had happened. Couldn’t begin to process it. It had come out of nowhere.

When had Mark changed his mind? When had he gone from liking me to looking like he couldn’t stand to see my face a moment longer? And how long had he been feeling that way?

How much of our relationship had been a lie?

Curled up in bed, I thought back on everything that had happened between us. Everything we’d shared. Every kiss seemed suspect now, every night in bed together a smokescreen for his lack of feelings for me. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen so hard for someone who didn’t feel the same way.

I’d even fallen in love with him. And the whole time, he’d felt nothing for me. I felt like a fool.

Why did he even stay in the relationship, once he knew he didn’t want me? Was he just hoping I’d give up eventually? That he’d freeze me out or piss me off enough that I’d break up with him, and he could save himself the guilty conscience of being the bad guy?

Well, fuck him and fuck that. So he had PTSD and felt like he was unravelling? Good. I hoped he did unravel. And I hoped it fucking hurt. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did.

God, except, of course, I didn’t actually hope that. What I actually felt was just sadness, this bone-deep longing to be able to hear his voice, to be next to him. To let him talk to me, about anything and everything, if he wanted.

I couldn’t stand the fact that he was in pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Even if we had still been dating, I knew I couldn’t fix it. But I could have been there for him. Just listened. Sat with him. I could have been a bright spot, something to help him get through the bad days.

And I could have held him at night. Been there when he needed someone. When he felt like he was going to crack and needed someone to turn to.

Who was he going to turn to now?

By the end of those three days, I’d gotten so self-pitying that I’d begun to imagine our separate paths into the future. Mark would do all sorts of soul-searching and work on himself and get to a point where he felt better. He’d probably want to ‘stay friends’ or some bullshit like that, and I’d probably agree because I was too pathetic not to.

And then, when he felt up to it, he’d find some other guy or girl who hewasready to date. Who he had ‘strong enough feelings for’—and weren’t those just the worst words in the English language? And I’d have to watch them get together and fall in love, and even if we fell out of touch, it would still be online everywhere I went, and I’d have to see them be happy while I continued trudging along my depressing trail of singlehood from now until eternity.

There was so much to look forward to!

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