Page 50 of My First Time Fling

He’d only made it about ten feet before I’d spoken, and as I closed the distance between us, I tried to read his body language. He seemed tense. But was that just from surprise? Or was it the fear I’d been so sure I would see?

“I have PTSD.” I forced myself to say it again. It was easier the second time, strangely. “That’s why I had an appointment with Dr. Branscombe. She’s a therapist. I’m in, um, therapy for it. So that’s what I was doing today.”

“Oh.”

I waited to see if Jesse would say anything else, but he didn’t.

“I didn’t mean to—to lie to you,” I said, feeling my stomach sinking down to the bottom of my shoes. “I just couldn’t figure out how to tell you.”

Jesse’s gaze was intense. “How about telling me like you just did, right now? Why not just say it?”

“Because I was afraid you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore,” I blurted out. It sounded ridiculous. Pathetic, really. I hated myself for it—for all of this. “I was so afraid, Jesse. I am such a mess, and I can’t keep it together, and I’m just so, so sick and tired of trying to hide this, and I’m sorry. More sorry than you can imagine.”

“Hey, Mark, it’s okay.” Jesse looked so remorseful, which only made me feel worse.Hehad nothing to feel sorry for.

I wanted to reach out and hold him. Let him hold me. But I also didn’t think that was a good idea, so I shoved my hands into my pockets instead.

“You didn’t have to hide it from me,” he continued. He sighed and scrubbed his hand over his face. “God, I’m sorry I just yelled at you. I feel like an ass now. I just wish I’d known. All this time, I thought you were having second thoughts about me, that you didn’t want to be with me anymore.”

I winced. I didn’t want to touch that last part yet.

“It’s hard to explain,” I said for the second time in as many minutes.

“Try me.”

“It’s—I don’t know, it’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. It didn’t even start happening right away. It was just weird, when I got out of the Army. I moved back to Chicago, but everything was just…wrong, somehow. I’d broken up with my girlfriend while I was deployed, but she thought we would get back together once I was home. And my parents expected me to just fit right into the slot they’d set up for their perfect son. No one seemed to understand that I’d changed, that I wasn’t the same person anymore.”

“That sounds hard,” Jesse said, giving me a sad smile. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“It wasn’t even that big a deal, at first. I just tried to fit into that mold, you know? My parents found me a job. I tried to date my ex again, tried to get my life back together. But then the nightmares started. There was this time when—when I was over there, I mean—that our convoy got hit by an IED. I couldn’t—” I stopped to swallow around an unexpected lump in my throat. “I couldn’t get everyone out of the vehicle. I couldn’t—I just couldn’t get to them before—”

“Mark, it’s okay.” Jesse squeezed my shoulder. I flinched, and he dropped his hand. “You don’t have to talk about it. It’s alright.”

“I get nervous in crowds,” I said, skipping forward. I could barely think about that memory, let alone talk about it. “Sometimes things just set me off. Loud noises, or too many people. Even just temperature changes. I get panic attacks. I had to stop going out with my friends. I couldn’t handle being out in a big group anymore. But it’s not just crowds. I had a panic attack when I was driving once. I don’t trust myself in a car anymore. But I didn’t know how to tell anyone what was happening. Everyone just expected me to be the perfect son, the perfect friend, the perfect employee.”

I closed my eyes and made myself breathe deeply. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t even explain what had been happening without feeling like I was going to lose it. But Ihadto tell Jesse. I had to make him understand. I opened my eyes again and met his gaze.

“One day, I lost it at work. It was just a dumb celebration in the conference room, but someone popped a balloon, and I just—I flashed back, you know? I was convinced I was there. Crying. In front of everyone.”

“Oh, Mark.”

“Needless to say, I quit after that. Broke things off with my ex—it was hardly a functional relationship anyway. I just crawled into this hole and lost touch with everyone. My parents had no idea what to do with me, how to handle a son who was so damaged. I think they were relieved when I left to come out here.”

“I’m so sorry.” Jesse’s eyes were full of kindness and empathy. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“No,” I said, sadly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should have told you the truth from the beginning. Then you never would have started dating me, and I never would have put you through this.”

“What do you mean, I wouldn’t have started dating you?” Jesse’s eyes widened. “Mark, you don’t think that something like this would keep me from liking you, do you? Because that’s ridiculous. I wish you’d told me earlier, but I wouldn’t have pushed you away for it. I’m not going to push you away now.”

“But youshould,” I insisted. “Don’t you see? I’m a fucking mess, Jess. I’m unravelling. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate. Things are getting worse, not better. You shouldn’t have to date someone like me.”

“I’m sorry, but last time I checked, you don’t get to make decisions for me.” Jesse’s voice was heated. “I can decide for myself who I want to date or not. And I want to date you, Mark. I want to be with you.”

“But what ifIdon’t want to be withyou?” I exploded.

I cringed inside at the hurt on Jesse’s face. I hated myself for saying it. Hated myself for how much I’d fucked things up. But it needed to be said.

I never should have gotten us into this mess. If I’d had more self-control, I never would have hurt Jesse like this. But at least I could stop it now, before I did more damage. Staunch the wound, before he lost any more blood.

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