Page 47 of My First Time Fling

Just a week ago, I’d been standing in the checkout line at the grocery store and someone had dropped a pallet of cereal boxes, and I’d blanked out. One second, I was standing there, waiting to buy my groceries, and the next thing I knew, the checkout girl was kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was crouched on the floor, my hands over my ears, completely unsure of where I was for sixty agonizing seconds.

And that was fairly benign, as far as freak-outs went. I’d been able to claim I had a migraine and just stumble home. But since then, I’d been avoiding anywhere that had more than four people together. Anywhere something unexpected could happen. I couldn’t even handle picking up a gallon of milk and some goddamn baby carrots. What was wrong with me?

Almost every night now, I woke up sweating, screaming, convinced I was back in that pass, trying to pull Miller out of the truck. I was at the point where I could barely sleep through the night, which only made me more stressed about Jesse finding out. Even our long runs together didn’t tire me out as much as I’d hoped—and those would be getting shorter, now that we were in the tapering stage before the marathon in a few weeks.

“Brooklyn doesn’t have the space,” Jesse said, pulling me out of my gloomy thoughts. His eyes brightened. “Oh, but speaking of Brooklyn. It’s his birthday today.”

“Yeah? That’s awesome. Tell him happy birthday from me next time you see him.”

“Definitely.” Jesse paused. “Well, actually, you could tell him yourself, if you wanted to come to his party tonight. He’s having it at the Flamingo. It should be a good time, and I, uh, I thought it would be fun if you came,” he finished in a rush.

Oh.

How the fuck was I supposed to answer that? Jesse and I hadn’t made any definite plans for the night, but I’d just assumed we’d spend the evening together. Alone. Fuck.

Maybe if Brooklyn’s birthday had been a month ago, before my brain full-on broke, I would have been brave enough to go and try. For Jesse’s sake. But with everything getting so much worse, I couldn’t risk a panic attack in public—or worse, in front of Jesse. I knew I was being a coward, but I just couldn’t do it.

“Dammit, I’d love to come,” I said, letting my disappointment come through in my voice. “But I promised Gigi I’d do bridge night with her tonight.”

My disappointment was real. It was just the reason that was fake.

“Oh.” Jesse looked sad, but tried to cover it up with a smile. I hated that I could see how hard he was trying. “Oh. Well, that’s okay.”

I felt awful. But I couldn’t explain about the panic attacks without explaining everything, and even if I didn’t explain and just tried to muscle through it, I’d be so on edge that I’d be useless the whole night. Fuck, I was pretty much useless now. What a shitty boyfriend I made.

“Maybe we can do dinner with Brooklyn tomorrow night? Or another time?” I offered, hearing how lame my own words sounded.

“Yeah, definitely. That’d be great.” Jesse’s smile was still forced, and it carved me up like a knife. “Thanks for coming over and helping me.”

“Any time,” I said, kneeling down to put my tools away. “Honestly. It’s my pleasure.”

Jesse bent over for a quick peek under the sink before straightening up. “You really are a life-saver. A magician. A life-saving magician."

“Stop it, you’re making me blush.”

“I like making you blush.”

“Is that why you invited me over here?” I grinned up at him. “Did you intentionally break your sink just so you could call me up and ask me to fix it?”

“And why would I do that?” he asked innocently.

“So you could use me for my body.” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, and he cracked up.

It felt so good to make him laugh, and it damn near cracked my heart in two at the same time. I wanted Jesse so badly. I cared about him. And I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep doing this.

“I’m horrified that you would think that about me,” Jesse said, still chuckling. "I wouldnevertake advantage of you like that.”

“Huh.” I shook my head, snapping my toolbox closed. “That’s a shame. I wouldn’t mind being used by you.”

“Oh yeah?” Jesse leaned back against the counter. “Is that right?”

“Might be.” Still on my knees, I moved right in front of his legs and looked up. My eyes were level with his belt buckle, and I reached up to undo it. “Especially since I feel so bad about missing the party tonight. It’s only fair that I find a way to make it up to you.”

“Mark, no, you don’t have to do this.” Jesse looked surprised. “I was just joking.”

“I know,” I said, my grin widening. “But I want to make you happy.” I unzipped his jeans and palmed his cock underneath his briefs. For all his protesting, Jesse was already mostly hard. “And I can tell you want me to do that too.”

“Not here, though,” Jesse said. He inhaled sharply as I rubbed him and pulled at the thin fabric covering him. “Someone could walk in. Not your dad this time, but still.”

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