Page 46 of My First Time Fling

“How’s it going down there?”

Jesse’s voice filtered down to where I was lying under the sink, and I had to resist the urge to shift and smile at him. I wasthisclose to finally getting everything to fit back together.

“Almost done,” I said loudly, knowing my voice sounded muffled. “I just…need…to…”

I trailed off, concentrating on the piece of piping in my hand. Jesse had called me today and asked, almost apologetically, if there were any way I could come over and ‘help him’ fix the kitchen sink. Apparently, his landlord had claimed that he couldn’t get a plumber out till next week.

And it would have been a simple fix, except that whoever the last plumber had been, he’d used substandard parts that didn’t want to fit back together because they weren’t actually made to do that. So here I was, lying on my back in Jesse’s kitchen, trying to get it right. Jesse was ‘helping’ by holding my toolbox.

If I could just…

“There!” I said, slowly pushing myself out from under the sink. I’d really worked up a sweat, I realized, wiping my brow off with the back of my hand. “But tell your landlord to invest in better parts next time, because whatever the last plumber used is crap. It was practically cardboard. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.”

“You’re amazing.” Jesse looked at me with wonder. It was cute, how excited and impressed he was by something as simple as fixing a sink. “I promise, as soon as I can, I’m moving out of here, and you’ll never have to see the inside of this dump again."

“Hey, it’s not that bad,” I said, trying to cheer him up. “And it’s cheap, right?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I guess. But that’s pretty much its only virtue.”

“As long as you’re saving up money for buying the Sea Glass, it’s worth it.” I stood up. “Which reminds me, how did your meeting with the bank go?”

I knew Jesse was supposed to talk to them, but he’d been working last night, and I’d been reroofing a section of Gigi’s house, so I hadn’t seen him until today. I was looking forward to getting a little bit of one-on-one time with him tonight, though.

“You remembered?” Jesse’s eyes lit up, and I had to laugh.

“Of course I remembered. I’d be an asshole not to.”

“See, you say that, but a lot of people wouldn’t have.”

“Maybe a lot of people are assholes. Anyway, you were supposed to talk to them about getting a loan, right? How’d it go?”

Jesse sighed.

“That good, huh?”

“It wasn’t terrible,” he said, leaning back against the counter. “But it could have been better.”

I could see how frustrated he was as he explained the terms, and I wished there were more I could do for him. He was so passionate, so excited to make his dreams a reality. It honestly didn’t make a lot of sense that someone with his talent and fire would want someone like me—an unemployed veteran who lived with his grandmother and didn’t know what the hell he was doing with his life.

I still couldn’t believe our relationship had been going as well as it had been for as long as it had been. Four weeks had passed since our trip to Summersea, and in almost every way, dating Jesse had been so much easier, so much more comfortable, than any other relationship I’d been in.

Which was why, of course, I was so afraid of him finding out what was wrong with me. I kept waiting for this honeymoon period to end, for the other shoe to drop, because I didn’t know how much longer I could find excuses to not stay over at Jesse’s place. To hide my therapy appointments. To avoid driving or large crowds or all of the other million little things that set me on edge.

Jesse had spent his whole life taking care of his mom and he finally had the chance to follow his own dreams. There was no way he’d want to be with me once he knew how messed up I was. And I couldn’t blame him—which was why I was doing everything I could to keep the inevitable from happening, to keep him from finding out.

It was exhausting.

Worse, it was making me wonder if this relationship was actually good for me. I’d finally found someone I felt like I could be myself with, but the nightmares and the panic attacks had gotten more frequent since our weekend in Summersea, not less. How could a person who was making my life so much better also be the one who was making it worse?

Maybe I’d been right to be worried about falling for Jesse. I could barely keep a hold of myself.

“I don’t know. I’ll make an official offer to Cam soon,” Jesse finished up. “I’m just afraid he won’t think it’s enough. And then I’ll be stuck living in this dump forever.”

“I’m sure he’ll say yes,” I said, trying to buck him up. “He pretty much promised. And hey, even if he doesn’t, you don’t have to stay here forever. Couldn’t you move in with Brooklyn or someone?”

Jesse gave me an unreadable look, and I wondered if he thought I was suggesting that he could move in with me. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t daydreamed about it. I couldn’t see myself getting sick of him, and the thought of getting to be around him more made me smile. Jesse already felt like home in so many ways. Sharing one with him sounded blissful.

But there’d be no hiding the nightmares and the panic attacks then. No hiding how tense I got over the stupidest things. I used to just be slightly on edge around crowds, never sure if something would set me off. But now…

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