Page 45 of My First Time Fling

“We are,” I said, grinning. But then the grin went sideways. “But that’s why it’s all so confusing. Everything’s great between us, except it just feels like there’s something…not missing, exactly. But something in the way. Something keeping Mark aloof.”

A round of pint glasses came out of the washer at that moment, and I began drying them off and restacking them.

“How do you mean?” Brooklyn asked.

“I don’t know. It’s just weird. Like, ninety-nine percent of the time, when Mark is with me, I can tell he’s there. Present. Totally on. But then there’s this one percent where he just kinda…it’s like he goes somewhere else, mentally. And he still never talks about his family or his friends back home. It’s like he’s trying to pretend that the life he had before he came here doesn’t exist.”

“What if he had a fight with all those people? Or what he came out to them, and everyone rejected him?” Brooklyn took a sip of his drink. “Maybe people don’t approve of him being bi. There are plenty of reasons he might not want to talk about his past.”

“Yeah, maybe. But sometimes I’ll ask him to hang out, and he’ll say he can’t, but when I ask him why, he gets sketchy about it. If he really can’t come over at a certain time because he promised Gigi he’d run an errand or something, that’s fine. But I can’t shake the feeling that he’s hiding something.” I paused, embarrassed of what I was about to say. “And then there’s the fact that he never wants to sleep over at my place, or have me stay at his. That’s kind of weird, right?”

Brooklyn cocked his head. “Wait, but you guys are, like, intimate, right? I mean, you just said the sex was amazing.”

“Yes, pervert. We’reintimate.”

“Just checking.” Brooklyn raised his hands defensively. “None of those things sounds like a huge issue on its own. Maybe Gigi needs more help than she lets on and she doesn’t want Mark to tell people. Maybe he’s just a light sleeper and doesn’t sleep well with someone else in the bed. Maybe he has a sleep apnea machine he's ashamed of or something.”

“Or maybehe’sthe one having second thoughts,” I burst out. “Second thoughts about me, and us, and about whether he’s ready to date a guy or something. Like, what if you’re right? What if his friends and family don’t approve? I can’t imagine what it would be like to have people who wouldn’t accept me for who I was. Maybe he just wants to go back to dating women.”

“Jesse.” Brooklyn folded his arms on the bar and gave me a steady look. “I highly doubt that. But why don’t you just ask him? That kinda seems like the obvious solution here. Just tell Mark how you feel and use ‘I statements’ and all that, and ask if he’s having second thoughts.”

“But what if he says he is?”

Brooklyn’s eyes were kind. “Well, then you’ll know. And it’ll suck. But that’s gotta be better than not knowing, right? Better than just spinning around in circles?”

“Easy for you to say. I’m the one who’d go back to being depressed and alone again.”

“But I’ll be here for you. And you’ll have the Sea Glass to pay attention to. And hey, look at it this way. With your current jobs, you have access to all the vices you need to drown your sorrows. Sugar. Booze. You could take up smoking, just to round things out.”

“Very funny.”

“I am, aren’t I?” Brooklyn grinned. “Hey, he’s coming to my birthday thing, right? Why not ask him afterwards? Get him a little tipsy, give yourself some liquid courage, and then ask him on your way home.”

“Yeah, about that. I haven’t actually, uh, told Mark about your birthday yet. Or asked him to come.”

“What? But it’s tomorrow. And it’s right here. It’s not like you’re asking him to fly to London.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to push him away by being too clingy.” My reasoning sounded ridiculous as soon as I said it out loud.

“Just ask him, you idiot,” Brooklyn said. “He's your boyfriend, isn't he? He’ll say yes. And then you can just talk about it like normal, functioning adults.”

“See, there you go, making assumptions. When did I ever claim to be a functioning adult? I pretty much only fall for guys who end up not wanting to be with me, according to my track record anyway. Why should Mark be any different?”

“Because you seem so much happier and calmer with him than you ever did with Tanner,” Brooklyn shot back. “Look, you don’t have to take my advice. You could just keep quiet, and never say what’s on your mind, and never ask for your feelings to be taken seriously by the one person who’s supposed to take them more seriously than anyone else. You could just wait and see if it gets better on its own, like you did with Tanner. But do you reallywantto do that?”

“Ugh. No.” I knew Brooklyn had a point. I just didn’t like it. “Why are you always right? It’s so annoying.”

“Just doing my job.” He smiled. “Now you do yours.”

I could do that, right? Just ask Mark what was going on? Just tell him how I felt?

I could totally do that.

So why did I have the feeling it was going to go terribly, terribly wrong?

14

Mark

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