Page 90 of Someone to Watch Over Me

“Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever have normal reactions to anything again.”

“Do you define normal as how you would’ve reacted before Jim’s illness and death?”

“I guess so.”

“Then no, you won’t, because you can never go back to who you were before that happened. You’re a new version of yourself in this aftermath, so your reactions are normal for who you are now.”

“That’s an interesting perspective.”

“I see a lot of patients in my practice who are very eager to return to the life they had before their traumatic event. They want to go back to the simplicity of that time when they were still untouched by loss or grief. I have to gently bring them around to the simple fact that they can never go back to who and what they were before.”

Her profound words bring me to tears. “How do you always know what I need to hear?”

“That’s sweet of you to say. I’m sorry that my words apply to your situation.”

“This has helped me immensely. Thank you for being there for me.”

“I’m happy to talk any time you need it, Lex.”

“You have no idea how much that means to me.”

“Take good care of yourself and try to focus more on the new love and joy in your life than worries about how it might end.”

“I’ll do that. Thank you again, Toni.”

“Any time, my friend.”

I put down my phone and go into the bathroom to finish getting ready while picking over the conversation with Toni.

Tom would want to hear about my anxiety, even if he’s the cause. I just hate to add anything else to his plate when he’s probably dealing with his own fears following the near miss.

“Hello up there! I’m coming up! Are you decent? Please say no!”

And he makes me laugh like I haven’t laughed in many years. “Sorry to say I’m fully dressed.”

“Damn it.” He comes quickly up the stairs, not at all like a man recovering from a…Don’t say it, Lexi. Don’t even think it.“You look beautiful as always. I love your hair like that.”

It’s pulled back into a clip because I didn’t have an hour to straighten it. “It’s a mess.”

“Doesn’t look like a mess to me.” He tips his head and looks at me more intently. “What’s wrong?”

“Huh? Nothing.”

“Don’t lie to me, Lex. You’ve been wound tighter than a drum since I got home earlier. What’s going on?”

There’s been only one other person in my adult life whoseesme the way Tom does. When I lost Jim, I wondered for a time if I’d ever have that again. Now that I do, the thought of losing it again is so overwhelming to me. “I did something earlier that I shouldn’t have done.”

He steps closer to me, running a hand over my bare arm and setting off a chain reaction that I feel everywhere. “What did you do, sweetheart?”

“I googled widow-maker heart attacks.”

He winces. “Why’d you do that?”

“I wanted to understand what it was. And then I looked at your discharge paperwork and saw that the description of your incident matched the definition.”

“And now you’re freaked out about it.”

“I don’t want to be, because I know the problem has been fixed, and you’ll be closely watched going forward…”

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