Page 44 of Someone to Watch Over Me

High school Lexi would’ve been writingLexi + Tomin her notebooks with hearts all around it if Tom Hammett had said such a thing to her. Hell, she’d done that without having exchanged a single word with him.

Widowed Lexi had learned to be guarded and cautious about allowing people to become too important, especially people with a potentially faulty heart. I simply couldn’t bear to lose another person I love. And yes, I love Tom. While being an amazing friend, he’s also given me an up close and personal view of what a relationship with him might be like.

I appreciate that he hasn’t put an ounce of pressure on me for more than friendship. It took a health crisis for his true feelings to emerge, and now that I know how he feels, I can’t un-hear it or un-know it. Not that I’d want to.

Being with him gives me a warm, cozy vibe. He’s begun to feel like home to me, and not just because we live under the same roof.

Once upon a time, Jim was home to me, so I know what it’s like to find that in another person.

Allowing my relationship with Tom to turn romantic would take a massive amount of courage, especially after his heart attack. What if he has another one? What if I wake up one day and he’s dead in bed next to me? That happened to Joy. Her perfectly healthy husband died in his sleep. Tom isn’t perfectly healthy—not anymore. He intends to be again, but is that a realistic goal?

I understand that if I allow myself to fall in love again, one day—hopefully when we’re old and gray—I may find myself in a caretaking role again. What I can’t fathom is doing it again any time soon.

My stomach aches when I think about losing Tom, which is when I realize it’s already far too late to protect myself from grief where he’s concerned. If anything happens to him, I’ll be as devastated as I was to lose Jim.

“Goddamn it,” I whisper into the darkness. “When the hell did that happen?”

Slowly. One pot of coffee, one lunch, one dinner, one animated conversation after another. He’s worked his way into my heart with his kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness and companionship. He’s made me feel less alone with my grief, even if we rarely speak of Jim, his illness, our marriage or any of the hard stuff.

Is it too late to text Iris?

Probably not. She’s a night owl.

What do you do when you find out a guy wants more with you than friendship and you think by saying no you’re protecting yourself from more grief, but then you realize it’s already too late for that kind of protection where he’s concerned? Or when you find out he had such a crush on you in HS and that he DIDN’T GO TO HIS SR PROM bc he couldn’t go with you bc you were too young (according to his mother)??!?

If anyone will understand this dilemma, it’s Iris, who’s been through it herself with Gage.

I see the bubbles that indicate she’s typing and wait breathlessly for what she has to say.

First, holy SHIT on the prom and the mutual crush. That makes me feel like you two were fated or something. The rest of it is a conundrum for certain. If you walked away before anything more happened, you’d wonder “what if” for the rest of your life. If you stay, you’ll worry about lightning striking twice—and not in a good way. There’s no easy way out of loving someone.

God, if she didn’t sum up my quandary in one simple paragraph.

I’m mad at myself for not realizing it was too late to run for my life until it was too late to run for my life.

She responds with laughter emojis.

It’s not funny!

It’s kinda funny. The rest of us could see that you were falling for him, but you didn’t see it yourself?

Not really. I had him firmly in the friend zone because that’s all I was capable of at the time.

And now?

I DO NOT KNOW!

Yes, you do—and that’s the problem.

I hate you right now.

HAHAHAHAHA.

I don’t really hate you (said out of fear of ever losing my Iris).

I know you don’t—and no need for fear. I’m right here where I’ll always be.

Widows know better than to make promises like that, but she also knows what I need to hear.

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