Page 92 of In the Air Tonight

I keep waiting for my opponent to dig up my past and the accusation that nearly ruined everything, but so far, that hasn’t come up.

Cam told me not to run, that I’d be opening myself to having the case relitigated in the press, but I was undeterred. The case was thrown out for a lack of evidence. I refuse to live my life as if I were convicted of a crime. He thinks the reason the opposition hasn’t made a thing about the charges that were eventually dropped is the fear of a civil defamation suit. You can’t go around accusing people who were never convicted of a crime without opening yourself up to exposure, according to my brother, the lawyer.

That said, I’m deeply ashamed of that night and what I did to Neisy. I was out of my mind with grief for Louisa. When I think of that time, all I recall is the agony. That’s no justification for what I did. There is no justification. I’ve devoted myself to being a better person, but that’s been a struggle.

I suffered from deep depression after Louisa died that was compounded by what I did to Neisy. No matter how I try, I simply can’t explain why I did it. I’ve hated myself for it every second of every day since. It was a struggle to pull myself out of that deep spiral and try to get back on track.

I lost my Naval Academy appointment after I was charged. It didn’t matter that the case never went to trial. The accusationalone was enough. Captain Sutton saw to that. Not that I blame him. I don’t. It was my fault, and I own that. All of it was my fault. My dad getting arrested, losing his job and dealing with financial and emotional hardship that lasted for a long time was my fault.

After a hellish few years of grief, remorse and depression, I met Caroline in college. She helped me turn things around. I told her soon after we met that I’d been accused of rape. She asked me if I did it.

I lied.

I wanted her in my life so badly that I lied to her face.

It’s the only time I’ve ever lied to her, but the lie eats at me. She married me thinking I was innocent of the charges. Our whole life together is built on a lie.

On the night before our wedding eight years ago, Cam asked me if she knew the truth.

I said no.

“Ryder… How can you marry her without telling her?”

“If she knew, she’d never marry me. She put me back together, Cam. I can’t be without her.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

Since the night I told him the truth, things between my brother and me have been strained. We’re still close, but not like we once were. I tell myself that would’ve happened anyway as we left home, went to different colleges and weren’t together every day anymore. But that’s not why things changed. It’s because I told him, and only him, the truth about what happened with Neisy. I put an awful burden on him. I made myself feel better at his expense. I never should’ve done that. It’s another thing I deeply regret.

As I shave in the shower, I think about how the saying, “the truth sets you free” is bullshit.

The truth would ruin me.

I’m thankful to Cam, Arlo and Dallas for leaving perfectly good jobs to run my campaign. I’ll never forget the chance they all took to ensure my freedom years ago, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for any of them. I owe them everything.

I learned after the fact that Arlo was the one who suggested they swear as a group to having had sex with Neisy, to confirm the widely spread rumors about her promiscuity. If I’d known about it, I would’ve told them not to risk themselves for me. But I believe the affidavit made the difference in the case getting tossed. I’ve never forgotten what they did, and I never will.

It makes me sick to think about what we did to an innocent young woman who didn’t deserve any of it. I wish I could apologize to her for everything, but there’s no way I can do that without putting myself in legal jeopardy.

So I live with regret that gnaws at me even after all this time. That’s the least of what I deserve for inexcusable behavior.

Caroline is in bed when I emerge from the bathroom.

She’s so beautiful—inside and out.

Her long dark hair shines in the light of the bedside lamp and her warm, brown eyes look at me with nothing but love and affection. I’m so lucky to have her in my life, and I make sure she feels my love every day. I give her everything she wants or needs, and she gives right back to me in spades. Sometimes I wonder what my marriage to Louisa would’ve been like and whether it would’ve been as amazing as what I have with Caroline. Comparing them adds to the guilt that’s always with me, so I try not to do that. But I still think of Louisa every day and miss her, even after all this time.

“What’d you promise to get them to go to sleep?” Caroline asks when I get into bed.

“A surprise tomorrow.”

“Which will be what?”

“Haven’t decided yet.”

“So we’ve been reduced to blackmail now, huh?”

I put an arm around her and rest my head on her chest. “Whatever works to give us an hour or two of peace and quiet to ourselves.”

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