Page 26 of Undeniable You

“And then I ordered the same thing for dinner because I could. I’m not even going to think about it except I can’t stop thinking about how much money I spent but also how much food I ate.” Her laugh was soft.

“Everyone deserves to go a little wild sometimes,” I said. “I remember the first few days after the semester ended officially, I spent several hours just staring at the wall and eating shredded cheese out of a bag because it was one of the only things in myfridge.” There. Now we’d both shared something embarrassing. We were even.

“God, I love eating cheese in the middle of the night. I’ve caught Juniper doing it too.”

I burst out laughing because I could absolutely picture that.

Larison kept talking and I wondered why she’d decided she needed to talk to me during this day when she’d already told me she didn’t want to talk to or see anyone.

I was definitely reading too much into things, but I couldn’t help it. My heart was desperate for any crumb of attention from her. No matter how innocuous.

I truly was desperate for this woman and it was getting worse. She didn’t seem to notice how much I focused on her face, drinking her in, hanging on her every word like I was starving, and I needed each one for sustenance.

I’d been staying later when she got home too. At first it was intentional and then it just felt right to be there and to hear about her day and to watch her with Juniper. And now here I was, talking to her on a Saturday without her daughter even being involved.

If I wasn’t careful, this was going to go to my head. I needed to keep my feet on the ground and in reality. Larison was not going to declare her undying love to me. She wasn’t going to sweep me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset with Juniper running behind us.

Yeah, even entertaining fantasies like that was dangerous. I needed to shut all of that down. Just…after we stopped talking. Right now? I was floating on a cloud of desire and delusion.

Time stopped having any meaning for me as Larison and I talked, really talked, in the way that two people are who are comfortable with each other do.

She told me about how difficult it had been to go away to school and have Juniper on her own.

“I know I’m supposed to be this strong, badass single mom, but I wasn’t feeling like much of a badass. I felt like doing a lot of crying and hoping my daughter didn’t hear the first few weeks. It was so much harder than I anticipated. But I had to do it. I had to see what life would be like if I left my cocoon. Guess I wasn’t strong enough.” Her smile was sad, and I could see all the insecurities and guilt written on her face.

“You’re not weak, Larison. You know that’s not true.”

She sighed and moved until she was laying on her side, her head resting on her pillow.

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about all of that. Tell me something good.”

Something good, something good…

“Oh, have you seen pictures or videos of that tiny baby hippo from Thailand that bites people?” I was constantly sending Reid pictures of her and asking “this you?” and Reid had begged me to stop, but I refused.

Larison’s eyebrows went up. “Uh, no. I have not.”

“Oh my god, you have to look it up as soon we’re done. And show her to Juniper. She’d love her.”

Larison still seemed skeptical, but she wouldn’t be after she saw the teeny tiny grumpy hippo. I’d decided to make her my personal mascot. So young, so oblong, so angry at the world.

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“You should. You can trust me, Larison.” I loved saying her name. It was so unique and so beautiful and wished I could say it all the time for any reason. If I wasn’t careful, I was going to start singing it like I was a character in a musical.

“Well, I trust you with my daughter so…” she trailed off.

“Is it weird that I miss her? I know I was with her all week, but she’s so funny.” That kid had me cracking up the whole week, even reducing me to tears a few times. Sometimes it was unintentional, which made what she said even funnier.

“Well, I’m a little biased, but I think she’s the best kid ever.” Larison’s smile made warmth spread through my chest.

“Is she having a good time with your parents?” I asked. Larison didn’t need to send me pictures or updates on Juniper, but I couldn’t help but ask about her.

“Yeah, they took her to a farm day with a petting zoo so I’m expecting her to come home and ask if we can get a goat or a chicken or a horse. And then I’ll have to explain, again, why we can’t have a horse in the apartment.”

“Not even a small one? Wow, you’re strict.”

Larison laughed. “Don’t undermine my parenting!”

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