Page 29 of Nothing Left to Lose

“Well, you know. Labels are... weird. I don’t know what it means or what this”—he gestured between us—“makes me.”

“You don’t have to use a label. Not everyone does. Some folks appreciate the understanding it gives them; some folks don’t like the boxed-in feeling.”

“I’m not gay.”

“I know that. Your history of bedded women speaks for itself. All I’m saying is that if you liked what we did, then maybe?—”

“I ain’t bi, either.”

Okaaaaay.

I put my hands up. “Okay. Fine. It’s fine, Brody. You don’t need to explain. I was just trying to help?—”

“Shut up and listen to me. I’m trying to get this out.” He winced again. “Sorry, sorry. It’s just a lot, and I don’t know what the fuck it means. I don’t like men. I can see when a guy’s hot, sure. But I have no desire to take him home. I have no desire whatsoever to initiate anything with a guy. I don’t care how he looks at me or what he offers.”

Okay . . .

“Have other men offered?—”

He pulled at his hair. “Ugh, maybe, I don’t even know. They were never on my radar. But I likeyou. Not men. Not guys, not any other man on this planet. But you. Idesireyou,” he said again, gesturing to me with both hands. “I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. Butyou. I see you, and I want to touch you, I want to kiss you, I want to do things to you. I want to push you up against a wall and feel you surrender to me. I want to do incredible things to you...”

Oh.

Oh, holy fucking shit.

He was saying the most amazing things. Everything I’d ever dreamed he’d say. But he looked so distraught and vulnerable, it hurt to see.

I closed the distance between us and took his hand. “Hey.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Miller. I don’t want to ruin what we have,” he said. “You’re my best friend. You’re the only person who knows me, who gets me. I can be myself around you. I can touch you and hold you, and maybe it’d be even better if I could kiss you whenever I want to. And other things, maybe. Definitely. But you. I want to be with you. I want to take you out on dates, cuddle on the couch watching your terrible TV shows. Your mom loves me, and my mom loves you more than she loves me. And that’s fine. I get it. So yeah, I want things between us to change, but to stay the same, just get better.”

I laughed and pulled him in for a tight, soul-fixing hug. “I’ve waited my whole life to hear you say that to me,” I murmured. “God, Brody. My whole life, all I ever wanted was you. My straight best friend that I could never have.”

He pulled back, his eyes on mine. “Your whole life what?”

I laughed. “Since the day we met, the only person I’ve ever loved is you.”

His expression grew mildly concerned. “I was fourteen and had pimples and braces.”

I snorted. “Wewere fourteen with pimples and braces.”

His eyes searched mine. “You mean that?”

“Eleven years,” I whispered. “I’ve pined over you, loving you from afar, brokenhearted every time you dated anyone new.”

He frowned. “Oh, Miller. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

“Is that what you meant when you said ‘let me have this’ when I asked if you wanted to slow down?”

I managed a nod. “Eleven years I’d dreamed of that.”

He sighed sadly. “I had no idea.”

“I know you didn’t.” I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I had to know. “Do you mean it now? Do you mean what you saidabout wanting me? Because I won’t survive it if it’s just a phase or a whim. My heart can’t take another hurt from you.”

He shook his head, his eyes wide. “I mean it. Miller, baby, I mean it. I was scared to tell you. I thought you might say no...” He frowned. “I noticed these last few months you’d been distant, and it scared me. That light in your eyes when you’d look at me was gone, and it scared the shit outta me. Maybe it made me realize that I’d taken you for granted all these years, and the thought of not having you made me look at what you truly are to me. That maybe Ididneed you to be more. That I wanted you in my life, that my heart needed you, wanted you, and maybe I’d been blind this whole time.”

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