Page 80 of The Spider & the Storm

“Look at you,” she whispered, warbled by tears.

I suspected she hadn’t stopped crying since entering their room.

Luke’s. It's just Luke’s room now.

“Look at all of us,” I muttered, folding my legs to sit beside her on the cluttered floor.

“Yeah, but you … you’ve changed the most.”

I wasn’t sure I agreed with that. We had all gone through one transformation or another. Some worse than others. But we had all grown up, and with growing up inevitably came change.

“I’m proud of you,” she added. “I mean, you’re still that nervous worrywart you’ve always been, but … you handle it better. You’ve become such a good guy, Charlie.”

The way she was talking … it sounded like a goodbye, and I hated it.

“Stop talking like you’re never going to see me again,” I said, wrapping my arms around my knees.

She managed to huff a soft laugh, but she didn’t correct herself. I thought she knew as well as I did that our lives were at a crossroads. She was going one way, and I, another, and the likelihood of us crossing paths again was slim.

I knew her leaving was for the better. I knew I’d been wishing for it for years—for her sake. And still, I wished it were different. I wished he—Luke—had beendifferent.

I just wished she wouldn’t leave.

“Thank you,” I found myself saying, unable to look at her.

She swallowed, then quietly hiccupped on a sob. “For what?”

“For staying as long as you did. For cooking, for cleaning, for getting me into therapy, for”—I batted at the single tear that had worked its way from my eye—“being around for me—and Luke, obviously—when no one else was. You did more than anyone your age should’ve had to do, but you did it anyway, and I wish I had thanked you more for that. So … thank you.”

Her head hanging, she sniffled and nodded. “You’re welcome.”

My throat constricted around a hot, heavy knot of emotion as I croaked, “I wish you didn’t have to go.”

“I know. But you’re gonna be okay. I know you will be. I’m not so sure about your brother though. I do love him so much, and I don’t want to leave him. I just—”

“I know.”

“But you’ll be okay,” she repeated, as if it made it better. As if it helped to settle the ache in both our hearts to know that, at the end of the day, at least I’d be fine … even if he wasn't.

And that was all because of her.

***

I had left her alone to finish packing, and Luke had remained in the dining room, doing only God knew what.

At some point, I’d somehow fallen asleep, thinking about heartbreak and the people I’d been forced to let go of before Iwas ready. I woke up to Luke tripping up the stairs and cursing angrily beneath his breath.

That was how I knew she was gone.

He wouldn’t have come upstairs if she were still here.

An ache so deep and great pierced my heart. An emptiness threatened to swallow me whole. God, what would I do without her? What would either of us do? What the hell would our lives look like tomorrow or next week or next year?

I stared at my ceiling long after Luke closed his door at the end of the hall, allowing my tears to silently drip over my cheeks and into the pillow beneath my head. I thought about Jersey. I thought about how none of this would have happened if I’d just picked Luke up when I was supposed to, if I’d never invited her to dinner, if I’d never walked into that coffee shop in the first place.

It wasmyfault Melanie was gone.

It wasmyfault we were all hurting.

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