Page 172 of The Spider & the Storm

But … Idid. I'd known for a while, hadn’t I? I hadn't needed Soldier to verbalize it. I'dknown.

Soldier began to speak, his voice laced with torment and the stress of having to bear such horrible news. I guessed nobody wanted to be the guy to tell someone his brother had taken his last breath. But I didn't give a fuck about that. Didn't give a fuck how he felt or what he had to say or how Stormy's soft footsteps had begun to approach or that her fingertips barely grazed my arm.

“No,” I said in a harsh rasp, holding my hands out and stepping out of her reach, bumping into the coats. “Don't—”

“Charlie,” she whispered, pleading, “I'm—”

“N-no. I need … I need to get out of here. I-I need …” The words rushed from my lips as my eyes snapped open, putting an end to what Soldier had tried to say and the comfort Stormy was trying to provide. Trying to put a stop to the tendrils of grief, but they had already begun to wrap themselves around my heart. There wasn't much I could do about that. I knew better.

I hurried toward the door, engulfed by a flood of sunshine shining through the windowpane. My hand touched the doorknob, and I was ready to barrel through and into a world where maybe, maybe,maybemy brother was still alive. But before I could turn the knob and leave, I glanced over my shoulder to find Soldier wearing an expression of sympathy and regret and Stormy wearing one of shock and disbelief and so, so much heartbreak that I couldn't fucking stand to look at her.

Luke is dead.I turned from their eyes and stared at the row of hanging coats, not quite seeing their textures and colors, but instead seeing a discombobulated montage of moments. My hand gripped tightly to the smooth metal doorknob, growing warmer beneath my touch.

How can he be dead?

“But what if we can’t stay together?”

“That’s not going to happen. That won’t ever happen.”

Dead? How the hell can he bedead?

I shook my head in disbelief, acutely aware of the pain stabbing at the backs of my eyes. The desperation to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. Not yet. I knew they would eventually, but … not yet.

“I don't understand,” I whispered to the coats, then the door, sliding a hand over my face.

No. It had to be a joke. There was no way, no way at all that my resilient older brother wasgone. No way at all that I could still remain in this world without him in it. He wasn't allowed to die. He wasn't allowed to leave me without anybody else in this fucking world. He wasn't allowed to disappear before I had the chance to see him again, before I had the chance to apologize for running away and being too much of a coward to fuckingtalkto him.

“Charlie,” Stormy whispered, but I ignored her as I spun on my heel to face Soldier and moved quickly to stand toe to toe with him.

“Are yousurehe's dead?” I demanded to know, looking up into his eyes. And, fuck, there was the tiniest bit of hope alive in my battered heart, holding on to the possibility that he was wrong.

But just like that, Soldier extinguished that tiny flame with a slight nod of his head. “I’m so sorry, man.”

A solid, painful lump rose in my throat as I stared at his face. “You’d better not be fucking with me right now.” The words rushed out of my lips as my finger stabbed at his chest, my voice crackling and breaking beneath the burden of a sorrow so tremendous that I should’ve shattered. “I swear to God, Soldier, you’d better not be—”

“I'm not fucking with you, Charlie,” he said gently, wrapping his hand around mine, lowering my finger from his chest. “I thought you knew. I'm so fucking sorry. I should’ve said something. I just … I—”

“He’sdead,” I said as an acute awareness of my chest collapsing under that horrific grief overcame me.

My knees shook, but somehow, I remained standing as I squeezed my eyes shut, hearing my brother assure me that nothing, nothing,nothingwould tear us apart.Fucking lies.

“I can’t breathe,” I uttered, my voice choked as my hand grasped at my chest. “God …Luke. I can’t fucking breathe.”

Life as I knew it blackened around the edges as a hazy scrapbook of old, worn-out memories played before my eyes. Luke’s voice, his stupid smile, his insistence on getting me Amanda’s number, his obnoxious wink, his relentless teasing, his fist connecting with my jaw, his arms wrapped around me, his begging to give him the damn phone as our parents died, his threats that he’d kill Ritchie if he ever said another thing about me, aboutme,about me…

He had kept his promise. He had kept his fucking promise. God, why hadn’t I remembered that? Why had I spent so many years angry with him when he’d only kept his goddamn promise? Or was it that he'd kept it that made me so mad? Some promises were meant to be broken, so why couldn't that have been one of them?

He'd be alive.

No, I didn't know that. Nobody could know that. But … Ifeltit. He'd be alive today had he not defended me, had he not killed Ritchie, had he not been in prison. If he had been with me all this fucking time—where he was meant to be—he would behere.

God, why can't you be here?

Somewhere outside of myself, Soldier grabbed my arms before I could fall. His warbled voice called to Stormy in a commanding tone, saying something about helping him.

God, you were so fucking stupid, I sent out to the universe.You were so fucking stupid—you always were—and now, you’re dead. Now, you’re dead—you’re fuckingdead—and where does that leave me, huh? Where does that fucking leave me? I wasn’t supposed to be left alone here. You always knew I hated being alone. You were supposed to take care of me. You were always supposed to be here. You were supposed to be the one watching out for me, the one guiding me through this shitty fucking life, and you went and … what? What the fuck did you do this time, Luke? What the fuck did you do? And why couldn't you have waited to see me before you did it? Why couldn't you have let me say goodbye?

“Hey, Charlie,” Soldier said, his voice breaking through the noise. Soothing yet demanding. “Focus on me, okay? Take a deep breath.”

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