“Transport for one?”
It should have been two. I nod again and hold out my coin. We exchange, and then I’m on the ship, ready to return to Kalishagg where things make sense.
After I’ve claimed a room in the cabin of the boat, I sit down on the bed and stare down at my hands. One is still bleeding, the droplets falling to the wooden floor and staining it an even darker brown. There are twolong gashes now, one through my palm and one across my fingers where I grabbed her dagger and held it, hoping she would understand how hard I was willing to work to keep her.
But it all fell on deaf ears.
Later that night, the ship pulls away from shore. A lighthouse up on a distant cliff illuminates the sea. I come up onto the deck to watch as the little port of Eyra Cove starts to shrink into the distance.
For a moment, I think I see someone with bright red hair standing on the pier. But surely, it’s just my imagination.
I’m one of the very few on board, as almost everyone else was wise enough to get out before the wind turned frigid. Now we’ll have to contend with floating ice, and hope that we don’t run into any of it in the dark of the night.
How could this have all gone so wrong? It boggles my mind that Telise would throw away everything like this. My rage is melting off and giving way to something else, something I don’t want to even entertain.
No. Shame, remorse, sadness—those are not familiar feelings for me. In fact, they are far beneath me. But I can’t help the swell of it anyway, deep in my chest. I remember when she showed me her cloak that first night in the inn, and I marveled at her craftsmanship. When I took out my most precious belonging and let her hold it in her hand.
I reach into my pocket to pull the emerald out and remember that moment right before we took the leap. I probably should have known, even then, that this was fated to turn out badly.
But it’s not there. My jewel... It’s not where it belongs.
On my way out the door of the inn, her hand brushed against my waist.
A cold fire starts to burn in the depths of my chest. No. She couldn’t have.
As I replay it again, I realize that in fact, she did. Her shifty, quick little hand slid into my pocket and pulled my emerald out.
The flame explodes, filling my entire body. I want to jump into the frigid water and swim back to shore. She took everything from me, and I’m going to take it back. But the pier of Eyra Cove is already out of sight, just a flashing lighthouse off in the distance.
I roar and tear off the chunk of railing I was gripping tight in my hands. I could kill her right now, just reach out and grip her throat and squeeze until she goes limp.
For breaking me. For stealing from me. For ruining everything.
If I see her again, I will most certainly kill her.
Chapter 11
Telise
His emerald.
I couldn’t say exactly why I did it, I just did. Maybe I hoped he’d notice before the ship departed and be forced to come back, and then get trapped here by the ice. Maybe I wanted a piece of him—something to remember him by.
Oh, but now, with the ship long gone in the distance, I realize that he’s definitely going to kill me the next time we see each other.
“I’m not going to be able to stay,” I tell Sden the next day. “If that troll comes back, I’m dead.”
He does not look surprised. “Word’s gotten around,” is all he says in response. Right. Very public breakup.
“Sorry.” I put down my stitching. “I really wanted this.”
“Yeah. You had the talent for it, too.” He sighs. “Sex only ever gets in the way.”
It was a mistake, I know that, but it was one I would easily choose to make again. After everything, I am glad I got to have him for as long as I did. It was a beautiful blip in time. Except that in the end, we just weren’t after the same thing. I couldn’t stand the idea of someone telling me what to do, where to go, who I was. How I felt about him was secondary. No, I had to stake my claim on myself.
But I do miss him, no surprises there. I know that I miss him the very first night after he leaves. I’d shared a bed with him ever since he’d arrived in Eyra Cove, and I’d grown accustomed to sleeping with his huge arm under my head like a pillow, the other one wrapped tight around me. Sometimes Raz’jin got hot during the night when we left the fire going and then he would sprawl out, legs taking up most of the bed, his arm still curled around me. Knowing these things about him, like how one of his toenails grows funny, or how he loves to be scratched right at the base of his neck—that’s what hurts the most.
I have to sit with this for a long time and think it over, because I don’t have much else to do outside of work. What did he really mean to me, after all? Now that Raz’jin is gone, it feels like there’s a hole in my chest. I’m cold every night. It’s like a bright candle has been extinguished.