Page 74 of I Knew You Were Trouble

After lunch, I help J.B. clear away the dishes whilst Audrey and Clotilde take Xavi upstairs.

I lean closer to J.B., lowering my voice. ‘We have about an hour and a half. Do you want me to take Xavi out for a walk with Clotilde? Whilst, you two… you know.’ I flip-flop my head from side to side for effect. J.B. doesn’t seem to understand at first. ‘Whilst you two get reacquainted?’

The penny drops. His eyes light up a cheeky smirk creeping onto the pillowy lips. ‘You don’t mind?’

‘Of course not. We can take Xavi outside for a while.’

J.B. reaches for a towel and dries his hands. ‘Let me talk to Audrey.’

Five minutes later, Audrey is helping Clotilde load Xavi into his stroller, dressed in a snow suit, and together we lift it outside. ‘He will probably sleep,’ Audrey says, a little jittery. ‘He usually does. We walk around the fields every day. You go in a loop, see, down that way, along the trees, then take a right. Clotilde can show you. It takes about an hour. We feed the horses just down there if he’s awake.’ Leaning down, she tosses a bag of carrots into the bottom of the stroller just in case.

I give a nod. Xavi’s eyelids are already drooping. Clotilde takes the handlebar of the stroller before Audrey throws her slender arms around my shoulders.

‘Merci, cherie,’ she whispers, pulling back and searching my face. There are tears in her eyes. ‘You have no idea what this time means to me.’

Xavi sleeps the entire way, as I listen to the sound of my boots, the soles of Clotilde’s tatty brougues and the wheels of the stroller crunching against the icy path under a white sky. I enjoy the peaceful quiet, compared to so many loud stadium gigs recently that I’ve almost lost count. Clotilde smiles at me but we don’t exchange words.

There are fifteen days to go until Christmas. After the Paris gigs and two upcoming ones in London, the tour will go on a break in six days until the New Year. I look forward to being able to go home to my London flat, to wallow in my pyjamas in front of mindless TV shows. Duncan will no doubt invite me for Christmas in Edinburgh again, but I get the feeling his mother won’t appreciate me showing up for another year in a row. She thinks it’s odd he still brings an ex-girlfriend home for the holiday period. I have to agree with her, this year especially. She’s the sweetest woman, but I can tell that Duncan’s mother is waiting for the year when he will bring acurrentgirlfriend home for Christmas lunch.

Checking on Xavi, we keep moving, the wheels of the stroller keeping it gently rocking as Clotilde pushes it along. Babies are something so unfamiliar to me. The idea of having one of my own terrifies me. Even the thought of the relationship before making the decision tohavea baby is hard to stomach. I’ve only slept with four men in my entire life, and none of them even came close to qualifying as father material, other than perhaps Duncan. I think about J.B. and Audrey for a moment, disregarding the first image that pops into my mind of the pair of them writhing around naked on a bed not too far away. The intensity of their connection is hard to fathom, the level of their attraction so set in stone. J.B.’s lifestyle caused him to pull away, but Audrey seems to have an anchoring effect, bringing him back to her with a surety that leaves a lump in my throat. J.B. never lost Audrey’s heart. I hope, for Xavi’s sake and any more children that may follow, that it remains that way. The pain of a broken family is all I’ve ever known, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I think about Aidan. I’m pretty sure I’ve screwed things up with him, though we’re both equally to blame. The trust is gone again, and we’re cut adrift. He’s as angry with me as I was with him, but hearing J.B. talk about him in the kitchen, I can’t help but believe what he told me, and I’m left wondering if the kiss with Samara Al-Noori was more innocent than it looked.

J.B. and Audrey allow me to film their emotional goodbye from a distance, though they are so wrapped up in one another, and in Xavi, that neither of them notices me or my camera. J.B. will return in a week for Christmas, yet the way they are clutching at one another, their foreheads resting together, and the ardour of the kisses, makes it seem as though they will be parted for a lifetime. As the helicopter pulls high into the sky, on our return journey to Paris, J.B. squeezes my hand.

‘Today was one of the best days of my life,’ he says into his headset, grinning, still waving from the window at Audrey carrying Xavi at ground level. ‘Merci, Lexi.’

My smile masks a pain in my chest, not knowing if I am capable of a love quite like it.

That night, after the Paris show, I sit in the corner of the bar at The Sinner Hotel, watching as Aidan walks in with the rest of the band, a woman on his arm, and laughter on his lips.

Chapter Twenty-One

London, England

Inside the children’s ward at Great Ormond Street Hospital, I’m keeping a low profile. The past couple of nights have brought restless sleep. All across the ward, Rebel Heart are donating their time to the charity, meeting sick children, taking photographs, signing autographs and even performing an impromptu a cappella number beside the bed of a ten-year-old cancer patient. After the performance, half the doctors and nurses burst into tears, and all of the parents. Even Bodhi had watery eyes. Together with Duncan, I filmed the entire process.

Outside the hospital, crowds of fans have gathered, hoping to catch a glimpse of their idols. Leaning against the wall just outside the ward, I watch as Duncan approaches, lowering the camera from his shoulder. ‘You want me to carry on?’ he asks.

‘I think we’ve got enough,’ I say. ‘Else this documentary is going to end up being about ten hours long.’

Duncan takes a moment to power down the camera. ‘I won’t lie. You look knackered, Lex.’

I attempt a smile. ‘I think the helicopter ride took it out of me. Feels like I need a break.’

Duncan glances behind him, at the band members still all smiling and posing for the cameras on the ward. There is also another film crew present from the BBC. ‘Aye, don’t know how they do it.’ He moves to the wall to lean beside me. ‘So, you coming with me for Christmas this year, or what?’

I can’t hold back a laugh. ‘I was wondering when you might ask me.’

‘Ach, come on, Lex. We always have fun. Plus, Hogmanay.’

I look to the floor, bite my lip. When I glance up, I think I see Aidan watching us, but he looks away as soon as I make eye contact. ‘I’m good, thanks, Dunc. I’m going to go home to my flat. I miss my flat.’

‘I was thinking you would say that,’ he says. ‘I hate the thought of you spending Christmas alone.’

‘It’s just another day.’

‘Aye, but it’s meant to be a family day.’

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