Page 128 of I Knew You Were Trouble

‘It’s okay. I have to say some stuff, so I’m prolly better standing.’

I pull out a can of Coke from the fridge, handing it to him, knowing from experience he won’t take a glass.

‘What kind of stuff?’ I ask.

He takes the can and shoves his cap into his back pocket. He taps the top of the can then tugs the ring pull. Then from his other pocket he pulls out a piece of paper.

‘I brought a list,’ he states.

I’m still baffled by the fact that Danny Miller from Rebel Heart is standing in my flat, looking distinctly out of place.

Miller reads his own handwriting. ‘Okay, number one. I’m a jerk. I behaved terribly to you, especially when you interviewed me. I—’

He shakes his head then screws up the piece of paper.

‘Are you alright?’ I ask.

He takes a gulp of drink, wiping his fingers through his hair, which because of the hat, is rendered almost normal-looking, not seeped in copious amounts of product. It gives him a weird kind of vulnerability.

‘Danny. Please sit down.’

He slumps down on my sofa. I take a seat next to him.

‘Just say what’s on your mind,’ I say. ‘Doesn’t matter if it comes out all jumbled.’

He looks at me. I wince at the bruising, which looks painful. It takes him a few moments to gather his thoughts.

He looks to the floor. ‘Look… I never had an influential female figure in my life,’ he begins. ‘My mom left when I was six. My dad wasn’t much of a talker so I followed my older brother’s lead. When I was eleven, I used to fall asleep to the sounds of him having sex in the next-door room. Different girls would come and go. And I thought that was normal.

‘When you came with us on tour, I think we all saw you as, like, this mom figure. I mean, everyone except Aidey, obviously. Felt like you were there to look after us in some way. Then when I realised how Aidan was with you, how he felt about you… I think I got a little jealous.’

I nod in understanding.

‘Aidey’s the member of the band I most look up to,’ Miller says. ‘The one I most wanna be like. But whilst he was brought up, I got dragged up. I know I’ll never be like him. You can see that from what happened with Meredith. I didn’t… take care of her. I followed my junk, like I always do. I called her up, by the way. Apologised. After the night in Vegas.’

I smile. ‘That was good of you.’

I’ve tried not to think about the last night I spent on the tour, the look in Aidan’s eyes when he realised I wasn’t the person he’d thought I was.

‘Aidey was pretty cut up after that night,’ Miller says. ‘I mean, he was already beating himself up because of the Taylor thing. I think he was more annoyed at himself that he’d gotten with Taylor in the first place, when we were in Sydney. He takes a lot of responsibility on his shoulders. Goes over things in his head. But after that night, he was mad at you.’

It still stings, hearing it out loud. ‘It was my fault. I never should have filmed you all without your knowledge. It wasn’t appropriate. I should have owned up to what I was doing. Paige told me what happened with Lucy, and the turmoil he was left in after that experience.’

‘He was reminded of it, for sure. Cal was tryna persuade him to forget about it and call you, whilst I tried to advise him on how to channel his anger. We got some freaky tattoos in Miami. But then, after that, the anger just turned into pain. I never saw a guy hurt that much over a woman before. He missed you like crazy. Thought he’d blown it with you. Again.’

I look to the floor, a stab of pain hitting my chest. I want to tell him that Aidan hasn’t blown it with me. Instead, I say, ‘I’ve accepted it’s over with Aidan, Miller. Filming you, in that way, I messed it up completely.’

‘No, no, Lex, we get it now. The documentary… it’s brilliant.’

My face lights up. ‘You’ve watched it?’

He grins. ‘Hell, yeah. We’ve all seen it. Personally, I’ve watched it, like, seven or eight times on a loop. Paige told us about the copy you gave to her. So when we arrived in London, we all shipped out to Aidey’s parents’ place and watched it together.’

‘When was this?’

‘Like, four nights ago. Then we spent the whole of the next day watching it over again.’

I’m grinning now too. ‘So… you liked it? You weren’t annoyed about the hidden cameras?’

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