Page 125 of I Knew You Were Trouble

After my shower, I switch on the TV. Bypassing the standard hotel infomercials, I flip through the channels. I stop at the one that’s showing music videos. I don’t have to wait long for Rebel Heart’s new video to play.

The track is called “Last Night”. It has a pulsating, sexy beat to it, the video futuristic in style, all the boys dressed in wet-look outfits, pale sunglasses, shirts off as standard, abs rippling, a couple of girls clad in tiny dresses thrown into the mix. The song is electric. Aidan has heavy vocals. As he appears on screen, I feel warmth spread out from my middle. I’m still feeding off the memories of him naked in my bed, mostly when I find myself tossing and turning and unable to sleep, until a throbbing need requires gratification. His level of sex appeal is ungodly. At one point, Aidan is on a motorbike, one of the girls clinging to him from behind. I wonder if Taylor Wetherill is still sending him naked selfies, or how many women he’s been with since I left. The idea makes me sick with jealousy.

There’s a knock at the door. I snap out of my reverie. I get up, open it ajar.

Duncan stands waiting for me. ‘Breakfast?’ he asks. ‘Simone says she’s gotta make a phone call.’

‘You go down. I need a few minutes.’

Two hours later, I lose track of how many male hands I’ve shaken. And they’re all male. In the screening room, at Silverpix’s HQ in Palo Alto, Simone and I are the only females present. But my father is here too, having made the journey in the car from LA, sitting with me and Duncan in the front row. He’s my newest champion, and his presence gives me comfort.

At the back of the private screening room, in the projectionist’s booth, I wait for the tech guy to tell us everything’s ready.

‘Uh, Lexi, would you like to begin your introduction?’ an assistant wearing a suit says to me, pushing his glasses up his nose.

I wobble to my feet. All eyes are on me. Vaughn Herrera sits front and centre, his imposing frame taking up the entire seat. I recognise some of the other individuals from previous Zoom calls, mainly those from Silverpix. Today there are other faces too, from the boys’ management company, and the record company too. I wonder how many of them are judging me: questioning if I’ve crossed a line into unprofessionalism.

I raise my chin. I don’t care if they do question it.

‘Vaughn, gentlemen,’ I begin, trying to catch my breath. ‘Thank you for coming to the screening today. When Vaughn first gave me this job, I didn’t know what to make of the project. Dealing with live music and popular boy bands wasn’t something I was used to doing, and I was thrown in at the deep end. I had to tread water, and fast. It’s easy to forget that Rebel Heart is made up of five young men, all of them making their way in a world that none of us can ever really understand, not until we’ve walked in their shoes. Underneath all the hype, all the publicity, all the fans, in this documentary, I hope I’ve shown them as authentic human beings, navigating their way through the madness that is fame, finding love, but also having some fun along the way. I hope you enjoy my work. This is “Heartbeats”. Thank you for the opportunity to make this film.’

The men applaud. Vaughn Herrera stands, a grin on his face. He pumps my hand. When I sit back down, my father squeezes it.

‘I hate this bit,’ I say, pacing back in the hotel room, my palms sweaty. Dad is sitting on the bed, Duncan in a chair.

‘The Silverpix people seemed thrilled with it, Herrera especially so,’ Dad says, keeping his tone positive. Yet he wasn’t the only one to notice at least one person from the record company making phone calls in the middle of the private screening, before the documentary had even come to an end.

‘Do you think it was the language? Ravi coming out as gay? A more reputational thing they aren’t so keen on?’ I question Duncan, finding it hard to calm my nerves. ‘Oh god, what if they hated it? Am I damaging their brand?’

‘Herrera was singing your praises, Lex,’ Duncan says. ‘He thinks it’s going to be a hit. I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about.’

There is a knock at the door. I run over to let Simone in. My agent clutches her phone.

‘Well…?’ I ask before the door is even closed.

Her expression is grave. ‘Vaughn and the Silverpix team are absolutely ecstatic about it. Theylovedit. They can’t compliment you enough, as per usual.’

‘But,’ I say, my shoulders dropping.

Simone winces. ‘But… the management company wants some significant sections removed. They’ve made a list of changes they would like to see happen. They’re not supportive of the documentary in its current state. Silverpix has to concede to some changes; it’s part of the contract, though Vaughn is doing his best to strong-arm them into changing their minds. They don’t like the level of profanity, they’re unhappy with the nature of the secret filming, which they weren’t expecting, and they have significant issues with Ravi admitting to self-harming and coming out, particularly as they themselves were unaware of his sexual orientation.’

‘That was his preference. That’s how he wanted to do it.’

‘They’re not saying they don’t want him to be gay. They fully support his preference, but I don’t think they want him coming out in the documentary. I think they think that it’s a PR nightmare, and they would rather have some control over it.’

I sigh and rub my eyes. ‘But that messes with the entire narrative of love and relationships. I can’t just take it out.’

‘I think they were hoping for something a little more…’

‘What?’ I snap. ‘Family friendly?If they wanted that, Vaughn should have hired some other stooge. You know as well as I do, that is not how I work.’

‘Let’s wait until you have the list. I’m sorry. We knew this was the risk.’

I look to my father.

He shrugs. ‘Why do you think I stopped making movies?’ he says, and my heart sinks.

Whilst Simone waits for the list of changes, Dad and I take a drive, and I drag Duncan along with us for the ride.

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