Page 122 of I Knew You Were Trouble

I pick it up gingerly. ‘Should I read it?’

‘Up to you, Pumpkin. You’ve been doing so well these past months. I’d hate for you to take a backward step.’

During his stay, over several weeks, he helped me go through every piece of Rebel Heart footage and come up with the narrative for the documentary. He even coaxed the legendary Rocky Jones out of retirement to become my editor. He’s cooked most of my meals, and taken care of me. He brought me back from the brink.

‘Maybe I shouldn’t read it,’ I say, moving the magazine away again.

‘It’s only natural that you’d want to,’ he says. ‘You love him. Love will make you do irrational things. Love is a riptide, Lexi. It will pull you under and have you gasping for air. Love can suffocate you. Me and your mother didn’t work out because love took us in different directions. You can’t control how it happens sometimes.’

‘But what about me?’ I blurt without thinking. ‘You left me too, not only her.’

We haven’t talked about it. Him leaving.

His eyes well with tears. ‘It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make in my life, Lex. Leaving you behind broke my heart, and I broke your mother’s heart in the process. For a long while, I found it difficult to live with what I’d done. Your mother was a wonderful woman, Lexi, but she and I never repaired our relationship. I always hoped maybe we would. When she died, I was determined to take care of you, even if you didn’t really want me to. At least now I can try to make amends, in the smallest way. Nothing will ever make up for what I did, I know that.’

I get to my feet, walk around the table and put my arms around him. We stand there for some time. ‘Thank you for coming here,’ I whisper.

Later, I read the magazine interview with Aidan, which took place on the Miami leg of the tour. The black-and-white pictures inside make him look thinner. According to the article, Aidan is ‘resolutely single’. When I’m finished, I feel sad and numb, but I’m resigned to the fact that we’ll never be together again. I put the magazine into the recycling bin before moments later pulling it out again and sliding it under my bed.

I never did get two grey ticks on my phone.

I’ve stopped waiting to see them.

‘It’s finished,’ I announce in mid-July, sitting with Duncan at a pub in Bloomsbury, seeing him for the first time in almost ten weeks. ‘Well, I say finished. We’ve got some sound issues to sort out, the opening credits to get right, some of the graphics… I’m almost there. Rocky’s done his bit. Now I’m fine-tuning with the production team.’

He grins at me. ‘Lex, that’s amazing. I can’t wait to see it. You look worlds better. Did you choose a title yet?’

‘I’m thinking of calling it “Heartbeats”. What do you think? Too cheesy?’

‘I like it. “Heartbeats”,’ he echoes.

‘I may not even get to choose the title. I have to fly to California with Simone in a couple of weeks to present it to the Silverpix executives and people from the management and record companies. Should give me enough time to make it look half-polished. Then they’ll probably want to change it all.’

‘Hey, you did what they asked, right?’

I nod. ‘I did what they asked. Now we can go back to poverty and marginalised voices and living out of a tent.’

‘Tents are looking a bit shite when you’ve stayed at the hotels we have,’ Duncan laughs.

‘Will you come with me?’ I ask.

‘To where? California?’

‘You’re such an important part of this. You deserve to be there. Plus, Silverpix will fund the cost of the flight.’

He gives a shrug. ‘Sure. See if I can get some time off work.’

I’m sick with nerves when I get out of the taxi outside Paige McArthur’s dance academy. She has – reluctantly – agreed to meet me after her three o’clock class.

When I walk through the door of the studio, I’m met with a gaggle of excitable three- and four-year-old girls wearing tutus.

‘Byeeeeeveryone,’ Paige shouts cheerfully as parents struggle to put clothes back onto their giddy, wriggling youngsters, before they head back outside. ‘See you next time!’

I stop still when I see Paige, reminded of how uncanny the resemblance to her twin brother really is. Seeing her sends an invisible dagger slicing through my chest, despite me having watched Aidan on screen every day for the last four months. Everything is different in the flesh. I feel as though I need to keep things efficient, for my own sanity.

Paige sees me, her face collapsing into an uncharacteristic frown. The pair of us wait until the last of the children have left the building, both keeping our distance until the room is silent.

‘Hi, Paige,’ I say with the best smile I can muster. ‘It’s nice to see you.’

---