Page 119 of I Knew You Were Trouble

I swallow. ‘Look, I wish you both every happiness,’ I say, attempting a smile. ‘I don’t know why, Cal, but I’m going to miss the sound of your voice.’

‘That’s the Aussie charm, love,’ he winks. ‘Look after yourself, Lex. Thanks for everything.’

On their way out, Duncan appears. Cal thrusts out his hand. ‘No hard feelings, mate, yeah?’ Cal says, and Duncan shakes it.

‘Bye, Duncan,’ Bianca waves and he raises his hand in a muted farewell.

‘You ready?’ Duncan grunts at me when they’ve gone.

I look around, nodding, a sadness weighing heavy in my chest, knowing the one thing I’m leaving behind is the person I can’t take with me.

‘I need to do one more thing,’ I say.

At the departure gate at Harry Reid Airport, awaiting our British Airways flight to London, I sit beside Duncan in silence. The border security guard stared at Duncan’s passport for a long time, taking in the unusual swelling on his face.

At the hotel, I sent a text message to Aidan. It read,I love you. I’m so sorry.

On my screen, I can see the message has been sent, indicated with a single grey tick. There are no two ticks, meaning it hasn’t yet been delivered to Aidan’s phone.

‘Are you alright?’ I say to Duncan at length, the airline crew readying the departure gate for boarding.

‘Angry at myself,’ Duncan mumbles bitterly in response. ‘If I hadn’t been so pissing afraid, Meredith might’ve been with me last night, and not with that bawbag Danny Miller. But then… what you told me about her… I think she had her heart set on Miller from the outset. Would explain a few things.’

‘Promise me you won’t judge her too harshly. Sleeping with Miller gave her a stark dose of reality, I think. Destroyed all her teenaged boy band fantasies.’

‘Aye,’ he says grimly.

After another silence, I say, ‘You warned me not to do it. You warned me not to film them that way and I should have listened to you.’

Duncan offers me a half-smile. ‘It’s what I love about you, Lex. You never did like listening to anyone else. You stick to your guns.’

‘Sticking to my guns has got us a one-way ticket back to London. And I’ve left Ziggy none of the footage.’

‘You think he’ll come after you for it?’

I blow out my cheeks. ‘Guess I’ll find out.’

In London, in the darkness, I struggle to find my keys. The taxi driver has dropped me at the corner to my block of flats facing the Thames. Inside my building, I lug my suitcase upstairs, followed by the Peli cases one by one up the stairwell. The lift appears to be out of action again, and I’m grateful that I only live on the second floor.

Once the door has closed behind me, it occurs to me that I’ve reached the end of the line.

It’s over.

My legs give out from under me and I sink to the floor.

A long while later, when I get up again, I switch on the heating, shower and change into a pair of pyjamas. Climbing underneath the covers of my bed, I shiver in the late January cold. Images of the last twenty-four hours flash through my mind. My chest tightens at the memory of Aidan’s rejection, triggering an emotional reaction I’ve not experienced since the day my father left; one that so far I’ve managed to hold tightly inside. Now my emotions weigh heavily on me.

In bed, I check my phone again. It’s been more than twelve hours since I sent Aidan my message. As my phone connects to the Wi-Fi inside my flat, I hold my breath, hoping to see that my message has at least been received, maybe even replied to.

I stare at the single grey tick, willing it to change, knowing deep down that it won’t. With a heavy heart, I abandon my handset to the side of the bed, accepting as the phone leaves my fingertips that, even before I’d sent him the message in Vegas, Aidan had blocked my number.

Chapter Thirty-Two

February brings snow to London. I remain ensconced in my flat, staying under the duvet whenever possible, surviving on black coffee, pistachio nuts and Deliveroo. I move the framed photograph of my mother next to my bed, hoping it will give me strength. I have the photograph of me with the band, but I can’t bear to put it on display.

I finally come to understand Meredith’s past level of obsession with Rebel Heart. Stalking the boys on social media, I seek out every newly-released image or article, following the tour through the miracle of the internet. A paparazzi photo of Cal kissing Bianca on a night out sends the Rebelles into meltdown.

From Vegas, they moved to LA for three sell-out shows, performing on the daytime and late-night chat show circuit before moving across to Miami, which appears to be back-to-back parties. Little is said about Aidan. They then move across to Dallas, before crossing south over the border into Mexico City and entering the Latin American phase of the tour schedule. I have my phone and laptop beside me in bed, sleeping in broken fragments, all the time checking to see if my message has been delivered. I feel both haunted and challenged by the single grey tick that meets me every time I look at it.

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