Page 27 of I Knew You Were Trouble

I try to keep things businesslike. ‘I’m sure you do. I just… have I done something to offend him? What’s his reasoning for not wanting an interview? Surely you’ve all had hundreds of interviews?’

Ravi swallows nervously. ‘Maybe ’cause it’s you, I guess? We looked up your documentaries. You’re really good, Lexi. And as for Aidan… I think he’s just trying to protect who we are, you know? He doesn’t trust people easily. He has his reasons.’

I nod then look to the floor. It’s not fair of me to try and get the truth out of Ravi. I lift my head, plastering a smile on my face. ‘So, are we all set to begin? Is there anything you want to ask me first?’

‘No. Mostly I get interviewed as part of the group. Usually when the questions are about, like, what I eat for dinner.’

‘If you don’t want to answer something, say so, and we can move on. Relax your shoulders. Breathe. You’ll be fine. Are you ready?’

Ravi nods, his eyes wide. I switch the cameras to recording mode.

‘This is Ravi, interview one. 2nd November, eight a.m.,’ I confirm to the camera, before taking a seat to one side of him.

An hour later, Ravi has talked all about his family’s history as immigrants to Canada, growing up as a shy brown-skinned boy in a majority white city, the audition process, getting to the finals of the show in LA and what it’s like to have the adoration of billions of tween and adolescent girls. It’s a strong interview, though there’s nothing to make it stand out. I’ve already picked out some sound bites in my mind.

I pause before asking my next question. ‘I read that you used to self-harm when you were at school. Would you mind talking a little about that?’

Ravi’s demeanour shifts. My words catch him off guard. For the first time, he looks away from the camera. The rawness of his reaction means I already know the shot will make it into the final cut.

It was something I initially picked up from Meredith’s binder. Barely a footnote. But I looked into it. There are precious few mentions online. The original revelation came from someone Ravi’d gone to school with.

‘Is it okay to talk about?’ I ask, not wishing to startle him.

He raises his head. I see tears in his eyes.

‘I didn’t really know myself as a kid,’ Ravi says, just above a whisper. ‘I mean, I couldn’t really identify with who I was supposed to be. Who I wanted to be, versus what my parents expected me to be.’

‘And what did your parents expect you to be?’

‘An engineer. A scientist or meteorologist. They were pretty shocked, the first time they saw me dance. Like Western-style dance, you know? Not bhangra.’

‘Did you train as a dancer? Did they know about that?’

He shakes his head. ‘I picked it up in the playgrounds. On basketball courts. From movies. I’d practise at my friend’s houses.’

‘Did you self-harm there too?’

He looks down. ‘I’m still the odd one out. Amongst my friends. Even in the band, look at us. I’m still kind of the odd one out.’

‘What makes you the odd one out, Ravi?’

He bites his lip, shakes his head. I wonder if he is referring to the colour of his skin.

‘What did you use? To harm yourself?’

The tears are falling now. I know I need to continue down this path, no matter the crushing sense of guilt sitting in my gut.

‘My cousin gave me a utility knife once. I used that mainly.’

‘Do you have scars?’

To my surprise, Ravi unbuttons his cuff and rolls up his sleeve. On his forearm, on the lighter underside, is a huge web of crisscross-shaped lines. He rubs them lightly.

‘The costume guys always cover it for me. I’ll either have sleeves on stage, or my arms are wrapped up. You’ll never see me with bare lower arms, not like the others. Sometimes the guys, they wear just the longer sleeves too, so I don’t stand out.’

I realise that he’s right. ‘You don’t think it’s important for the fans to see your pain?’

Ravi laughs. He wipes his face. ‘I don’t think that’s part of the image that the record company want us to represent.’

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