Page 120 of I Knew You Were Trouble

His absence gnaws at me, the same way my mother’s did in the months after her death. I wake in the night, thinking he’s in the king-sized bed with me. I slide out my hand only to find crisp, ice-cold sheets on the other side. The ache from missing Aidan McArthur weighs down on my chest, making it hard to breathe. The pain is incessant. I watch footage of him on YouTube and Instagram, watching those piercing eyes twinkle, the way he charms any host, male or female. I watch live performances, music videos, feeding on his image, remembering the times he held me. I dread the day when I will see him arm in arm with another woman, inevitably someone he’s met whilst touring: a voluptuous Colombian or a Brazilian supermodel.

The worst feeling is the knowledge I’ve let him down.

And still, the single grey tick.

The door buzzer blasts out on a Tuesday. I wake with a start, unaware of what time it is. It’s light outside, but that’s all I can gauge.

‘Hello,’ I croak through the intercom.

‘It’s Dunc,’ the subdued voice comes back.

It’s the first time I’ve seen him in a while. I buzz him up, piling away dirty dishes into the sink, scraping my hair back into a ponytail so as to look partially presentable.

‘Did you not get my messages?’ he says to me once he’s inside.

‘Sorry, I was asleep,’ I mutter. ‘What time is it?’

‘It’s gone ten.’

‘Oh.’

‘Lex. You look… terrible. There’s not a bit of meat on you. I know heartbreak is a bag o’ shite, I get it. But you still gotta look after yourself.’

‘I am looking after myself.’

‘Oh yeah? When was the last time you ate a proper meal?’

The truth is I’ve barely eaten, my stomach a permanent bundle of knots.

‘Did you find an editor yet?’ Duncan asks.

‘Not yet. I…uh… I didn’t think I’d need one for a while, so it’s finding someone available.’

‘You talk to Herrera?’

‘Yes. I told him I had more than enough footage to work with, so we’d left the tour.’

‘So, what’re you doing all day? Sitting around, feeling sorry for yourself and living off thin air?’

My gaze goes to the floor. I don’t want to admit out loud how I’ve been spending my time.

‘Did you get a job?’ I ask him throatily, trying to change the trajectory of the conversation.

‘Aye. Camera B operator.Fierce Females, that lunchtime talk show. Celebrity guests and stuff. Pretty mundane but the pay’s decent and it’s steady work.’

‘Congratulations. Did you talk to Meredith yet?’

‘No, I did not.’

‘At least she hasn’t ghosted you.’

Duncan stares at me, sympathy in his eyes. ‘Ach, come on, Lex. You must have known that was a possibility after what happened. Probably his way of moving on.’

I nod, feeling like the room is moving. Duncan catches me as I almost topple over. ‘Jesus, have you had a drink yet today? Any sugar?’

He feels my forehead. I wobble again, but take a step back, independent of him. ‘I don’t remember.’

‘When was the last time you went outside? Or don’t you remember that either?’

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