Page 101 of Calling Frank O'Hare

‘I’m not your darling. I’m just the person you happened to give birth to. There’s a big difference.’

If that was a demonstration of just how easily Robyn could destroy her mother, Ellen’s expression suggested it had done the trick. She gripped the back of the armchair as if it were a crutch.

Frank went over to Robyn and put his arm around her. ‘Rob, will we let Ellen explain why she’s come back? Then we can decide between the three of us what to do.’

Robyn eyed her mother with a look of disdain. ‘Okay. But know this. I’m only doing it for Dad.’

66

The best Christmas – 2015

‘I’ve been receiving treatment for several years now. It seems you were correct all along, Frank. What was it you once said? I wasn’t right in the head. I think those were the words you used. It turns out your insight was spot on. I was indeed not right in the head. I have a disorder.’ Ellen moved away from the window and sat, ramrod straight in the armchair.

‘What kind of disorder?’ said Frank.

‘Bipolar. Sort of.’

‘Sort of? You either are or you aren’t bipolar. Which is it?’ snapped Robyn.

Ellen sighed. ‘I am. I suppose you could say the treatment has been both a help and a hindrance. I’m the closest I’ll ever be to normal which is the helpful part. However, it’s given me a clarity that I’ve found very distressing. I can see now how monstrous I was. It’s quite an unbearable burden.’

Robyn crossed her arms. ‘A monster is exactly what you were.’ Clearly she wasn’t ready to give in to sympathy just yet.

Ellen nodded but said nothing.

‘I’m going to see Edie,’ said Rob. She went out the back way, through the gate Frank had made between the two gardens when she was a little girl.

Ellen looked as if she was about to cry. ‘Well that went–’

‘Better than I thought it would,’ said Frank.

It took two days for Robyn to agree that Ellen could stay. Much of that was down to Edie who’d suggested Rob might regret not trying. Even then, she did it reluctantly and made it clear that one swipe at Frank and Ellen would be out the door.

When Rob went back to university, Frank and Ellen started doing the kind of things they might have done if they’d had a long life together with a half decent marriage. They talked, went to museums, the theatre, restaurants. She took him shopping for new clothes, gently teasing him that he dressed like a tramp. From the outside, they appeared to be repairing their relationship but appearances, as always, were deceptive. There was nothing left of that tired, fractious relationship to repair. Instead, they were building a friendship that was platonic and entirely without passion. It was comfortable. An altogether new experience for them both.

Frank poured two glasses of sherry. Ellen was dressing the Christmas tree. She stepped back and took a glass from him. ‘What do you think?’

‘Looks great. You’ve managed to ignore your aversion to tat and put all of Robyn’s favourite decorations on.’

She giggled. It made Frank think of the girl he’d fallen for all those years ago. He began to wonder if he shouldn’t have been stronger back then and if that strength could have made her seek help earlier. Perhaps if he had been, their lives would have been very different.

‘Do you think she’ll like it? I don’t want her thinking I’m trying to do Christmas my way.’

‘She’ll be more than happy with it. What kind of Christmases did you have while you were in France?’ It was funny how easily he could talk about Ellen’s other life now.

‘Oh very French and sophisticated. Quiet too. I have a feeling this one will be pleasantly different.’

‘You didn’t have anyone special to share it with?’ Frank wanted to ask if she’d ever spent it with Martin, but that was the one thing that didn’t come so easily. He’d stopped talking to Martin and Finn now. Well, not so much stopped as avoided any chance of it happening. It was the only way he could deal with the betrayal and maintain the status quo with the rest of the family.

Ellen smiled. ‘Sometimes. I had friends you know. What about you?’

‘Someone special? No. Not unless you count Robyn and Adrian.’

‘I’ve scarred you for life.’

Frank shrugged. ‘Maybe one day.’

She sat down on the sofa and held out her hand to him. He took it and sat next to her. ‘You’re going to divorce me, aren’t you?’

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