Page 59 of Filthy Little Secret

“You mean terrorists?”

“I mean what I mean.”

Holy shit. We’ve never had a serious chat about this, so I didn’t realize the extent of what Jesse was involved with, but hearing that, I’m even more certain that it’s not something I want to play around with.

I shouldn’t even be considering this, but thinking about the stress of that mother-fucking bill for the CT scans makes me think how easy it could be to wipe that problem off my plate…and the fucking last lien on the house.

“Look, I know it’s a hard year for you, kid. And I’m here for you if you need some help is all I’m saying. Outside of doing runs.”

“Oh, God. The last thing I want is to have you sending loan sharks after me,” I tease.

He chuckles. “Yeah, right? But seriously, what’s holding you back from helping me out with this gig? You need the money. It’s good money.”

“I want out. You know that.”

“You gonna go out there and work a job making even less money, being able to pay off even less of your nanna’s debt? Because that’s the life that’s waiting for you out there. That’s the life you’re reaching for. I’ve never had a serious talk with you about this because you’re a kid. I thought, the longer you’re in it, the more you’d come around to get that this is what it is and that it’s worth it. But I can see you’re struggling a bit still. You and me, we’re not like the rest of the guys out there. We’re the Bonnies and Clydes of the world. We get to live the fucking dream and not pay taxes on it.”

“Well, it’s not an honest life.”

That’s the kind of life I need, if only for Mark’s sake. He deserves better than a fucking drug dealer. He deserves to be with a real man. A man he can proudly walk around town with, who’s not afraid that being out as a couple could hurt his mother’s reputation. I’ve never met someone who’s made me want to be a better person like he does. Even his dream of being a physician assistant makes me aspire for more.

Jesse eyes me like I have something on my face. “What you looking for an honest life for? Sounds like you got a man?”

I can’t stifle my smile because it makes me think about Mark.

Jesse chuckles and slaps my arm. “Oh, really? Well, I’m impressed. Mr. Player-Who’s-Never-Wanted-To-Settle-Down found someone who can tame the beast? Who’s the lucky fellow?”

“A kid named Mark. I got it real bad for him.”

“You must if you’re talking about an honest life and shit. It’s the only time I ever hear someone who’s been working the streets say fuck about honesty. Kid, I’ve seen a lot of people fall in love, and I’ve seen their hearts broken and their pockets empty and then they come back to me sooner or later.”

“I’m glad you’re taking my new relationship seriously,” I say facetiously.

“That’s the real world. You know as well as I do that the fantasy of white houses and picket fences isn’t real. You know what’s better than love? X. And you know what can sustain you longer than love? More X. If not X, K, coke, weed, whatever the name of your pain is. And if you need pussy, or in your case an asshole, you can buy that on the street, too.”

“You’re a real romantic, Jesse.”

“I’m telling you how the world works. You like this guy for a minute, but that feeling fades.”

Not with Mark.

I refuse to let myself think like that. I’ve allowed myself to let this flame start, and I’m not going to extinguish it before even giving it a chance, especially considering I’ve never felt like this for anyone before. Jesse doesn’t know—doesn’t understand. I’ve hooked up with enough guys to know this isn’t like any of the others. This is different. This is special.

On my way to my beat tonight, I can’t get Mark off my brain.

I imagine how nice it is holding him in my arms when he’s asleep on my chest, breathing heavily, his brown locks covering his forehead. I’ve gotten into the habit of just watching him. Gazing at that peaceful face. Wondering how some d-bag like Greg could have thought there was any piece of ass out there worth losing Mark over.

I wish there was a way I could go back in time and choose a different path for him.

I’ve never felt that way for anyone. With Nanna, I didn’t need a different life because I didn’t worry about never getting to spend time with her in public over it. It’s just been about survival.

Happiness? That wasn’t even an option, but Mark makes me feel something I’ve never felt before: Hope. Fucking hope.

But I’m stuck between the life I want to be living with him and the life I live now to survive, and I can’t forget that. It scares the ever-living shit out of me too, because I don’t have a fucking clue where to even start with getting out of the rathole I’m in.

All I know is that I’ll find a way.

For Mark. For us.

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