Page 28 of Willow in the Wind

Bruce laughed and took her hand.

“You’re going to Paris,” Stella said.

“I’m going to Paris.”

“For how long?” Stella asked.

“I really don’t know,” Bruce admitted.

Stella felt as though her arms and legs were made of lead. She wanted to drop onto the sand and fall asleep.

“Simon mentioned putting off his first semester of college until January,” Bruce said. “He wants to study French and be with his mother. My work has told me they’re fine with me working abroad as long as I deal with the necessary tax paperwork.”

Stella’s eyes widened. “Are you thinking about making a home for yourself there?”

Bruce shook his head. “I don’t know. I just know I feel tremendously guilty that I’ve raised our son by myself. I kept him here. I put a big boundary between Simon and his mother.”

“She’s the one who left.”

“But I forced their relationship to die,” Bruce said. “I need to own up to that.”

Stella looked at Bruce’s face for a long time. Her heart pounded with love for him. She’d come to know every soft wrinkle, the acne scars along his right jawline, and the yellowish tint of his brown eyes. She’d come to know his moods and his likes and dislikes and his generosity and his mind. She’d come to know she didn’t always know what he was talking about, intellectually, and that that was okay.

Could Karina keep up with him?

“Do you have plans to get back together with Karina?”

Bruce raised his eyebrows as though that hadn’t occurred to him. But Stella wasn’t so sure. She knew Bruce’s ex had haunted him.

Then again, Stella had just written an entire memoir about her first love.

The first love who’s haunted me for more than twenty years.

Bruce took both of Stella’s hands and rubbed them with the tips of his thumbs. In his eyes, she saw tremendous love for her.

“I know it’s not fair to you that I’m leaving without any indication of when I might come back,” Bruce said. “It could be two months. It could be five.”

“It could be never,” she reminded him.

Tears drifted down Bruce’s cheeks. Stella was surprised she hadn’t let any fall yet. All night, her heart had been breaking. Maybe it couldn’t break anymore.

Stella tried to laugh. “Maybe it’s a good thing. We only had the really good parts of a relationship. The exciting beginning. The happy times.”

“I don’t want it to be over,” Bruce whispered, his voice rasping. “I love you.”

But you want two lives at once,Stella wanted to say.

Stella realized she had to be strong for both of them. “I love you, too. I really do.” She felt it like a punch to the stomach. “But you need to go to France with your son. You’ll never forgive yourself for everything that already happened if you don’t go.”

Bruce’s eyes swam. Stella squeezed his hands harder. She wanted them to turn around, go back into the house, and forget anything had been said. But there was no turning back.

“We can talk on the phone all the time,” Bruce said. “And maybe you can even come out to France to visit.”

It felt as though Bruce’s history was trying to repeat itself in Stella’s life. Stella didn’t like that cross-pollination. She had her own demons. Her own ghosts.

“I think it would be easier for me to have a clean break,” Stella said. “You need to think about what you want. You need to be there for your son.”

Bruce hung his head. “I understand.”

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