Page 87 of It's Mother-Pucking Christmas!

“This is…” His mouth moved silently. “This is insane. It’s like a movie.” He opened a huge box of a full set of Christmas-themed place settings for thirty.

“Wait a minute!” Aunt Janet exclaimed to her cousin. “I gave you that last year. You regifted that to him?”

“It’s so wholesome. Thank you,” he said, looking at the Norman Rockwellian images on one of the dinner plates. “And regifting keeps things out of the landfill.”

“This is maybe a little over-the-top on presents. I can’t believe none of you want to do secret Santa,” my mom complained to her sisters.

They were offended.

“It is my God-given right to spoil my nieces and nephews, even if they are getting up there in age,” Aunt Giana declared.

I opened more of my presents—charcoal face masks, black clothes, charcoal pencils.

“I’m sensing a pattern here,” Ryder said, unwrapping a pastel-green stand mixer.

“What?” I shrieked. “Why does he get a stand mixer and I don’t?”

“That was your stand mixer,” my aunt stated, inspecting the fancy bracelet her husband had given her. “But I gave it to Ryder instead. He deserves it. You don’t.”

“And you gave him the attachments!” I gasped as he unwrapped the next three presents. “You knew I wanted a stand mixer.”

“Ooh, there’s an ice cream maker attachment.” Bella peered over my boyfriend’s shoulder.

“You can use it, Dakota,” Ryder promised me.

“Don’t let her bully you into sharing your present.” My aunt yanked my braid.

“Open the big one!” my mom said excitedly.

Ryder dutifully unwrapped a box filled with a toy train set and a little Christmas village.

“Whoa!”

“It’s for my future grandchildren,” my mom gushed.

“I don’t know where I’m going to put all of this,” Ryder said, a little shell-shocked as he opened another box, this one filled with hockey-themed Christmas ornaments.

“Handmade,” my aunt said, pouring more rum in her eggnog and topping up Hudson’s glass.

“Man, you had no kind of Christmas,” my sister said to me as I unwrapped another coal-themed gift—a small outdoor grill.

“She’s gonna set her condo on fire.” My brother laughed.

“Do you guys want to help me?” Ryder asked my little cousins. They didn’t need to be told twice before they were tearing through the rest of his presents.

It was excessive even by my family’s Christmas standards.

“I think some people just wrapped stuff they were too lazy to put on Facebook Marketplace,” Gracie whispered to me as Ryder, with the help of my little cousins, unwrapped a rice cooker that I was pretty sure I’d given my aunt a couple years ago.

“Man, Ryder.” My dad whistled. “You cleaned up.”

“To be fair, a lot of these were supposed to be Dakota’s.” My sister sniffed.

Ryder smiled at me, swiping at coal dust on my nose. “Thank you!” he said to my family. “I don’t know what to say. This was amazing.”

“You’re not done yet!” Gracie sang. “You didn’t open Dakota’s gift.”

I yelped as Ryder scooped me to my feet because my hands were still not working. “You didn’t have to,” he said, kissing me. “This is a lot. And just having you in my life is all I need for Christmas.”

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