Page 60 of It's Mother-Pucking Christmas!

“Does that mean you’re actually going to pay rent to Mom and Dad?” I shot at him.

My mom swatted me with a pillow. “I don’t charge my children rent. Honestly, Dakota. Family takes care of each other. You can stay here as long as you want, Peanut,” she cooed to my spoiled brother.

“Ow!” I complained as something rubbery hit me.

“There’s your mask,” my dad announced.

“Mask?”

“We’re going to Ryder’s game tonight,” my mom said matter-of-factly.

“We are?” I was horrified. “I’m not going to an Icebreakers game.”

“See?”My dad and his brothers exploded at my mom. “Dakota’s not even going, and she’s dating the poor bastard.”

My mom starred them down, and they deflated. “Ryder is family. Family supports family. We are all going to Ryder’s game,as a family. End of discussion.”

“It’s an away game,” my dad self-soothed. “We have masks and disguises. No one will know we’re cheering for the Icebreakers.”

“You’re not even going to be able to buy tickets this late in the day,” I argued with my mom.

“We have rink-side seats!” Gracie said happily. “Richmond Electric owns that stadium, apparently, and Grayson pulled some CEO strings.”

My uncles groaned. “No, we need to be far away so no one can see us.”

“Thank you, Gracie.” My mom kissed her cheek then turned to threaten the rest of the family. “You all shape up. Ryder needs to see us there, needs to know that we’re supporting him. Now, what do you want me to pack for your snack?”

“You can’t bring outside food…” Gracie deflated under my mom’s withering gaze.

“I will not be paying stadium prices. I can bring my own hot dogs, thank you very much.”

It wasdark when the caravan of my family rolled up in front of the Richmond Electric Stadium outside of Boston. Frosthawks fans swarmed the stadium, decked out in orange.

“We’re all going to hell for this,” Logan, Gracie’s brother, said with a long-suffering sigh as my family all donned our disguises.

“If you all don’t cheer for that boy,” my mother warned, “I am cancelling Christmas. Dakota, you’re the one sleeping with him. Set an example.”

Granny Murray piped up. “You heard the woman!”

“You are not supposed to be here. There is a restraining order,” Gracie reminded her. Gracie, who didn’t care about hockey and only attended games for the food, was wearing a freshly knitted blue sweater with a lopsided Icebreakers mascot on it. The pugs wore matching sweater-vests.

“And you ain’t supposed to bring those dogs, but here we are.” Granny Murray slipped her mask on. “Unto the breach!”

When the security guards, also in orange, saw the first wave of my family, there were laughs and jeers. Then we kept coming.

As the dozens and dozens of my family members piled into the seats a few rows away from the rink, we did create an impressive square of blue in the field of orange. My uncles, I guess to keep some last shred of their integrity, were exclusively wearing Ryder’s jersey number.

“That’s right!” Granny Murray jeered at apprehensive-looking Frosthawks fans. “That’s how we bring it in Maplewood Falls! Get on your knees and suck Number 21’s dick!”

“I don’t know. I think Dakota has that covered.” My sister snickered.

“You all are going down!” Granny Murray whooped.

“Crazy old biddy!” one Frosthawks fan yelled back. “We’re going to kick the shit out of the Icebreakers.”

I shrank down. “Keep it down! No one is supposed to know I’m here, Gran.”

The embarrassment was worth it just to see Ryder’s eyes light up when the teams skated out for the national anthem. His blue eyes were glued to me as he skated a smooth lap around the rink.

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