Page 34 of It's Mother-Pucking Christmas!

Gracie opened one eye. “Didn’t you plan the last two, technically?”

“I always plan. I plan everything,” I argued. “I am the family planner.”

Gracie made a concerned noise. “If Ryder’s so traditional that he wouldn’t even kiss you on the first date, then he might be a little annoyed if you keep planning things.”

My mom barged into my room. “She’s right!”

“Mom!”

My mom’s sisters piled into my room after her.

“You can’t blow this, Dakota,” Aunt Giana warned. “He’s the best man you’ve brought home yet.”

“He’s the only one she’s brought home,” Aunt Stacy added.

“Damn, that’s cold.” Aunt Janet shook her head.

Aunt Stacy shrugged. “But true.”

“That man wants a nice girl,” my mom scolded. “One who will take care of him and support him.” She snapped her fingers. “You need to show up at his practice and cheer him on.”

“I’m going to dress you. I’ll open the salon early. I need to do your brows,” Aunt Stacy promised.

“Does she?” Gracie mused. “I think Dakota should just be herself.”

“No!” my aunts hollered.

“Fine, maybe a teeny-tiny little bit less,” Gracie added, guiltily, “just so you don’t scare him away.”

“You’ll bring him breakfast sandwiches and those pastries you and Gracie make with the vanilla cream,” my mom listed off.

“Wear his team colors!” Aunt Janet added. “Show him you can be a nice girlfriend. You already have a high-powered corporate job. It’s going to be hard to find a man who’s not intimidated.”

“I just work with Gracie. It’s not that high-powered,” I argued, though maybe Mom was right, and I did need to rein it in a tad.

“You work in a very snazzy tower,” my mom chided. “Grayson’s very proud of that tower, isn’t he, Gracie?”

My cousin just ate more cake.

“See, Dakota?” my mom said. “You emasculate men.”

“You have to just dial it back, like, a little bit.” Aunt Stacy scrunched her fingers together. “Or you’re going to run him off.”

“And you’ll be all alone forever,” Aunt Giana added.

“Alone forever?” I croaked.

“I think you’ve spooked the poor girl, Babs.”

“Don’t listen to them!” Granny Murray railed, trooping into my room. “That boy has mommy issues. He likes it. Trust me. I married your grandfather and tried to be someone I’m not, and look where it got me. He ran off with the money, and I have all these children. I have to be hawking my wares on OnlyFans to keep you all fed.” The old woman poked my chest. “You’re pretty and smart and you’ve got a nice ass. Don’t settle.”

“She’s wrong!” My dad and his brothers also piled into my bedroom because even when I die I will never escape my family.

“The hockey game,” his brother pleaded. “Ryder’s going to be on our team.”

“Precisely! Settle. Put out,” my dad advised. “Keep that boy happy just until Christmas, m’kay?” He patted my head. “That’s my favorite daughter.”

“Hey!” my older sister Maria complained, wandering in and crawling in bed next to me. “I thought I was the favorite.”

---