Page 64 of Audiophile

“Shouldn’t you be searching for someplace to live?” I scoff.

“Are you angry I’m not sticking around?” Reed rolls off me, settling on his side, but his eyes pierce me. “No. You’rejealous. You wish you were leaving?”

I don’t bother hiding it. “Absolutely. LA has food, museums, sunshine, beaches, amusement parks. Did I already mention all the food? Everything I could possibly dream of was within thirty miles. Sometimes that translated to two hours in traffic, but—”

Reed bursts out laughing. “I forgot how long you lived there. How’d you and Nate end up down in California?”

“I met Nate on campus—University of Southern California.”

Reed’s face is a picture of shock. “Sorry. I assumed you moved there with him. What an asshole presumption. Of course you didn’t follow a man. Petra Diamante, force to be reckoned with.” He kisses me softly, stroking my arm apologetically. He’s right. Back then I was stronger, fiercer, independent. I wish I could go back to who I used to be.

“I did a few years at a junior college here, tried to rack up as many credits as I could to save money, but I wanted to attenduniversity there. Transferred to USC, moved to Los Angeles…Met Nate.”

His hand slides down to wrap around my thigh. “Headstrong Petra. I love it. Why LA?”

I’m careful to keep my shrug casual, uncaring. “I knew I wanted something different. Bigger. And I found it. Fell in love with the city and all its possibilities. Dropped out the following summer.”

He frowns, gripping my thigh tighter. “What? You worked and pushed and got accepted to USC only to drop out? I don’t buy it.”

I can’t handle his closeness. I slip out of Reed’s arms and into the living room. Snagging my pajamas out of my bag, I yank on sweatpants and a shirt. I can’t stand being away from Natalia, and dig my necklace out of my coat pocket. My hands shake as I lift it, but then Reed is there, in his own sweats, and steadies my hands with his.

“Petra?” Reed tenderly tugs the chain from my hands and clasps it for me. He smooths her name flat against my skin, warming the metal. “Will you tell me about her?”

I’ve learned the hard way that if you can’t look someone in the eye, their pity is a thousand times worse. So I pin his gaze with mine, as emotionless as I can make it. “I got pregnant after a series of frat parties full of alcohol and bad decisions. I dropped out, moved in with Nate, and the rest is history.”

His palm rests over her name while his eyes search for answers I’m not ready to give. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” I snap, yanking myself away. He always makes me feel and say shit I’d rather keep to myself. “Fuck, Reed.Obviously I don’t have a child. Put the pieces together.”

Reed doesn’t let me go anywhere. He lifts my chin, eyes boring into mine. “But you’re still a mother. You always will be.”

I swallow around the knot in my throat. No one has ever said that to me before. Even in my own family, no one understands how much I love her. How she’ll always be a part of my life and my family.

Reed’s thumb touches my trembling lip. “I can’t imagine what you went through. That’s an immeasurable loss, Pet.”

My lungs contract around the rest of it. The months of dreams and possibilities. The terrifying, frantic rush to the hospital. The hours of labor, already knowing she was gone. I grit my teeth against the grief clawing at my chest and jerk away, searching my bag to give me something to do.

“It was a late miscarriage. Just over twenty-five weeks. I’m not sure what broke my parents’ heart more: being unmarried and pregnant so young, or losing their first grandchild.” It’s supposed to be a joke, gallows humor, but Reed doesn’t laugh.

His face goes white as a sheet. “Jesus, Petra. And my joke yesterday—”

“Whatever. Men being sweet with babies is hot.”

Reed pulls me in for a hug that breaks me more than if he’d left me alone. “Stop being rubber for a second and hear me. That’s awful. I’m sorry you went through it.”

“It was my own stupid fault for not being on the pill.” Reed’s hands freeze on my back, and guilt sweeps through me for spilling all this to him. Burdening him. “It was a long time ago, anyway. It’s fine.”

He doubles down, pressing us together, shoulder to toe, and he tucks my face into his neck. His hands stroke my hair and down my back. “Don’t lie. Not to me. Just shut up and let me hold you, Petra.”

I gasp out a half-laugh, half-sob. “You’re bossy.”

“I’m normally a switch.” His fingers tighten across my back. “But I’m holding you until you let yourself breathe. You don’t have to shut down to survive.”

I’m not ready for this. I thought I wasn’t ready to have a man see me, touch me, be physical with me. In reality, I wasn’t ready for the emotional side.

Everything I’ve pushed down stings in my lungs, but Reed holds me closer when I don’t reply. I slowly give in, softening in his steady arms, winding mine around to clutch at his shoulders.

“I don’t understand. Why stay with Nate after all that? If you were unhappy?” Reed asks. He rubs my back as I search through my memories. My past feels as though I’ve unleashed a spool of yarn all over the floor and can’t find the end.

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