Page 112 of Body Shot

The only good thing is that Hana arrived last night, and I was able to complain about Seth to her, so she’s now on a mission to get him fired. She’s obviously kidding, even though we both wish she wasn’t, but it’s nice to have that emotional support. Ofcourse, the thing I need the most support on—my pregnancy—is the one thing I haven’t told her. She doesn’t even know that Anders and I broke up, but I’m going to have to tell her about that soon since she thinks he’ll be here for Thanksgiving, which is in three days.

“I have to talk to you about something,” I tell her on the drive to work Monday morning. She has a full day of meetings and interviews so I figure I should get this over with before we get there.

“I knew something was wrong,” she says, glaring at me. “But I thought maybe it was just the Seth thing.”

“Yeah, I know.” I take a breath, because it’s going to be hard to lie to Hana, and I’m simply not ready to tell her about the baby.

“Claudia?” She sounds worried now and I hate myself a little for keeping things from her, but if I tell her I’m pregnant, I know she’ll tell Johan and he, in turn, will tell Anders. So I’m going to have to lie until it’s not physically possible to hide it anymore. At that point, I’ll try to make her understand why I don’t want Anders to know until after the baby’s born.

“I broke up with Anders,” I say.

“You what?!” She gapes at me.

I’m trying to focus on the road, but I can see the shock on her face in my peripheral vision.

“It was getting to be too much,” I say. “Too much pressure on all sides. From work, from him, from?—”

“From him?” she interrupts. “He’s crazy about you. What kind of pressure are you talking about? Please don’t tell me you mean sex.”

“No, no, nothing like that. He was nothing but kind and thoughtful. I’m talking about adult relationships. Upcoming trips. Finding time to see each other. He was constantly trying to find a time to fly me to Florida, or to meet him somewhere, andit’s…a lot. I’m busy as fuck at work, and while I know he makes a lot of money and could potentially support me, that’s not where I’m at in life. I want to accomplish something—make a name for myself professionally—before I settle down.”

“And he doesn’t want that for you?”

“He said he did, but his actions said something else.” Part of this is true, because I was feeling torn between wanting to focus on work and spend time with Anders, but that isn’t the real reason I ended things.

“I’m having a hard time with this,” she says. “You’re in love with him—you told me so. And then you just dumped him? What did he say?”

“I kind of lied,” I whisper, feeling like shit about everything all over again.

“You lied? About what?”

“I told him I’d met someone at work and that I didn’t cheat, but that I thought maybe I should see what else is out there before getting serious with someone.”

“What in the ever-loving fuck is wrong with you?” she demands. “Seriously, Claudia, what are you thinking? You know I adore you, but this might be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done.”

Tears sting my eyelids.

I hate everything about this, and it’s so hard not to tell her everything.

“Claudia, I feel like there’s something you’re not telling me. You’re not seeing Seth again, are you?”

That makes me shudder in revulsion. “Jesus, I’m a little broken, but there isn’t enough broken anything to make me date Seth Crandall.”

“Well, at least you haven’t completely lost your mind. So…was Anders upset?”

“Yeah. I mean, we didn’t fight or anything. He told me he hopes I find what I’m looking for and then hung up.” I get teary-eyed all over again. That had been one of the worst days of my life. And there had been a lot of bad days in the last few weeks.

“Damn, girlfriend.” She pauses. “So…you seem pretty fucking miserable. Are you happier without him?”

I snort. “Not hardly.”

“So why did you do it? And why haven’t you called him back to say you were having a terrible day at work, Seth Crandall is making you crazy, and you fucked up?”

“He’ll think I went and fucked some other guy, that guy dumped me, and now I want him back.”

“Not if you talk to him and tell him the truth, that you panicked and lied about that.”

“It’s too late,” I say miserably. “Trust me—he was hurt and upset.”

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