Page 106 of Body Shot

Instead of being a big baby, I decide to bite the bullet and reach out.

ANDERS: Just wanted to say good night. I missed talking to you today. Hope you weren’t too busy at work.

And to my disappointment, the message goes unread.

THIRTY-NINE

Claudia

Once my gynecologistverified that I was pregnant, I went into a minor tailspin. It’s been a week and I’m still reeling, but I’m a tiny bit calmer now. The only problem is finding a way to end things with Anders. The more I think about it, the less I want to put him in the position of having a child forced on him. More than that, I don’t want to be with a man not knowing if he wants to be with me because of me or because I got knocked up less than two months into our relationship.

I hate everything about this, but the practical part of my brain knows I have to come up with plans A, B and C.

I don’t want to tell anyone—not my parents, not Hana, and certainly not anyone at work—until I’m past the first trimester and I know everything is going to be okay. I’m only six weeks at this point, and even though the morning sickness is getting worse, I’ve been able to manage it. Dry toast first thing in the morning seems to help, and as long as I avoid anything greasy, it’s not too bad the rest of the day.

I’ve been craving Whoppers like they’re going out of style, but as soon as I take the first bite my stomach turns, and I can’t eat anymore. I can’t eat much of anything other than dry toast, so I’ve already lost a couple of pounds.

My doctor gave me a bunch of nutritional information, along with a prescription for prenatal vitamins, but so far, I’ve been too tired, stressed, and emotional to sit down and concentrate on the information.

I know I have to but there’s a part of me that keeps hoping this will go away. That the tests and the doctor are both wrong. That I can go back to making plans with my hot hockey player boyfriend and thinking about the new car I want to buy. That’s going to have to be a priority, the new car, because I can’t keep driving my mom’s. And I’m going to need a bunch of things for the baby.

But not yet.

Right now, I’m trying to manage morning sickness while working crazy hours.

Work is an excellent distraction, but I’m tired.

And Hana will be in town next week so I’m going to have to come up with a believable excuse for breaking up with Anders. I can say I’m just too focused on work to think about a guy. That tracks for me because I can be extremely single-minded when it comes to work. I’d been that way in college, so she might expect me to do something stupid like break up with the perfect man so I can focus on my new job.

Of course, I haven’t actually broken up with him yet.

Instead, I’m playing this passive-aggressive game of ignoring most of his texts and calls, but not all of them, and making excuses about how busy I’ve been. He’s starting to get suspicious, and I figure we’re going to fight about it soon, but I don’t want to just randomly sit him down and say we’re through.If I can show him I’m too busy to be in a relationship, maybe he’ll believe it?

It’s ridiculous.

I know it is.

But the idea of forcing him to become a father doesn’t sit well with me either.

I have to dig deep and do the right thing.

Because it’s better forhim.

Because it’s probably my fault that this happened, so I need to take responsibility for it.

And give him the freedom to do all the things he still wants to do.

Without me.

That’s the part I hate.

I’m pregnant. This baby is already growing inside me, and I can’t change the trajectory of my life.

I’ve tried to convince myself that an abortion would be the easiest thing to do, but I just can’t do it. Not this baby. Anders’ baby. I already love it. I’m frustrated at the timing and the situation in general, but there’s no universe where I don’t have this baby.

So that means giving Anders his freedom.

I know he’ll provide financial support, which will make my life easier. Even if he just pays for daycare, I can handle the rest. My parents will help. Hana and Johan will be the best auntie, uncle, and godparents ever, and Anders will have options.

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