Page 103 of Body Shot

“Oh, I don’t think—” I stop myself. I want to say I don’t need the whole day off, but I do. I’m about to lose my shit and I can’t do it here. “You know what? Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I turn and practically run out of the building.

By the time I get to my car I’m sweating and feel like I’m going to puke.

It’s a cold November day, but I turn on the AC in the car anyway, letting it blow on my face.

I’m pregnant.

Anders and I are having a baby that neither of us want.

How am I going to tell him?

Then a thought hits me.

Will he think I did it on purpose? Like his ex did? I’ve been clingy and a little insecure since we’ve been apart, and this will look like I’m trying to… what? We already have plans to see each other at Thanksgiving and Christmas, go away together in February. We’ve been making plans for the future, so would he really believe I did this on purpose?

My thoughts are a kaleidoscope of frenetic words and images and emotions.

All I can think of is that I’m going to lose my job, my security, my boyfriend, everything I’ve worked towards since I graduated from high school.

It takes me a few minutes to calm down, and with the AC still blasting me in the face, I pull out of the parking lot and drive. I’m usually calm when I drive, so I get on the highway and go north. I’m not heading toward anything in particular; I just need tothink. Work on my breathing. Try to wrap my head around this unexpected—and unwanted—development in my life.

A baby.

A fucking baby.

I don’t want to be a mom yet.

I don’t have time to be a mom.

Mostly, I don’t have time to be pregnant.

And Anders is going to be so upset with me.

He was clear that he didn’t want kids any time soon.

We had a plan.

How did I fuck up my first relationship so badly?

This isn’t the kind of fuck-up where you cut your losses and convince yourself you’re better off without the guy. Because I won’t be. If he leaves me, I’ll be devastated.

Except he won’t leave me.

He’ll want to marry me. Do the right thing. Live up to his responsibilities.

He’d been planning to take care of the baby with his ex, even though he hadn’t wanted to be with her, but it’s different with me. He knows he’s basically my first everything, so he’ll do what needs to be done. And probably end up hating me.

I can’t do that to him.

I refuse to be like his ex.

I love him too much.

If I’m going to have this baby—and despite how upset I am, I’m already positive I can’t get rid of it—I refuse to force him to do anything.

After it’s born, I’ll get a paternity test and have an attorney draw up papers giving him options. He can be a part of the baby’s life, or he can sign away his rights. Either way, I’ll be okay. My parents will help me. I know this. I have a good job. Maternity leave will be inconvenient, but I plan to make myselfinvaluable to them. And even if they fire me, with my advanced degree, I’m highly employable.

---