Page 103 of Play Book

Some of the parents have arrived to pick up the kids, and I see Marjorie come in.

“Allison, are you ready?” The older woman is definitely a little on the strict side, but Canyon thinks that might be good for Ally. Personally, I don’t like her, but it’s not my place to say so.

“I’m ready.” Ally grabs her backpack, ignoring me.

“Say good night, Allison,” Marjorie admonishes her.

Ally rolls her eyes but lifts her hand in a bored wave. “Bye!” she calls over her shoulder as they file out.

“Do I have to sit with her at lunch?” Katie stage whispers.

“Well, you can try,” I say. “I won’t blame you if it doesn’t work out.”

We finish cleaning up and the kids leave, one by one, until I’m alone.

Well, I know Rage is in the back, doing something on his computer.

He’s taken it upon himself to be here on Wednesday and Thursday nights because he doesn’t want me here alone. Once again, there had been no fingerprints, and whoever it was had managed to keep their face hidden from my video cameras. It’s frustrating to me, and to Rage as well, who I know is worried about me. I’ve downplayed it to everyone, even my girlfriends, because I don’t want anyone else to worry.

I’ve never been good at being needy.

I like to think of myself as strong and independent.

I’ve been on my own a long time and have been lucky enough to make the kind of money that affords me the freedom to do anything I want.

Except now I’m looking over my shoulder, planning my days so I’m never alone anywhere except at home, and trying desperately to pretend that everything is okay. It’s begun to impact my sleep, which isn’t sustainable. At some point, something’s going to give. Hopefully, it won’t be me.

With Canyon out of town for a few days, I do nothing but stay home and paint. Rage has ramped up security both at home and at the gallery, but I feel safest at home. It’s a bright, busy neighborhood with lots of kids and cars coming and going all the time. I also have Joel and Gina next door, even though they haven’t been overly friendly since the leak situation. I took two hundred dollars off next month’s rent, which will hopefully soften them up a little, but I’m seriously considering either getting rid of them, or moving out myself.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Canyon, but either we’re going to move in together at the end of this year or I’m going to sell the duplex and buy something outright where I don’t have to be a landlord.

It’s been a great situation short-term, but going forward I don’t want to deal with it. I’ve done some number crunching, and I can get a modest house that fits my needs without having tenants. If Canyon and I buy something together, then all bets are off because my house is paid off and worth more than two million dollars. I don’t know exactly what Canyon’s financial situation is, but he mentioned saving for a house, so that puts us in great shape.

Assuming he’s serious about living together.

I’m in love with him, but there’s a part of me that’s still holding back. My gut tells me Ally isn’t going to make things easy for us, and I know Canyon is dealing with guilt about his sister and a lot of other emotions.

I understand it, and I respect him for stepping up, but I don’t know where it leaves me. This relationship is still new, and he’s never been in love before, which means he’s never been in a relationship like this before.

Maybe I’m being selfish, but I want him all to myself. Sharing him with hockey is bad enough, but adding a child to the mix has been frustrating. I can’t sleep at his place right now because we both feel it will make Ally uncomfortable. He rarely has the time to sleep over at my house between hockey and other commitments, and frankly, afternoon quickies while Ally’s at school don’t sit well with me.

The first time was exciting.

The second time was a nice distraction.

But once it became the only time we can be together, it leaves me feeling out of sorts.

So I’m really looking forward to having some uninterrupted time with him in New York. Yes, I’ll be working but he’ll be with me before and after the show, and then we get to sleep in the same bed together. It sounds silly, but there’s an intimacy to going to sleep and waking up together that I crave.

Especially with everything going on in my life.

I want to let myself fall.

I want to let myself be blindly in love, like I’m a teenager again.

But I can’t because Canyon has the power to hurt me like no one else.

Because I love him like I’ve never loved anyone else.

---