Page 59 of My December Darling

Is he having cold feet about us after last night?

Did he realize that I’m not worth the trouble since I’ll be leaving anyway?

I can’t escape the worried thoughts plaguing my head, and Luke not answering my message only fuels them. He should’ve responded to my text already, but maybe he doesn’t want to talk anymore.

The thought of that happening makes my stomach sour, and I struggle to unwind once I get home. No matter what I do,I can’t distract myself from being annoyed for caring so much about someone after one stupid date.

I told myself multiple times that I’m leaving come January first, so it would be in my best interest to keep to myself, but here I am, agonizing over whether or not a guy texts me.

That’s because you’re growing attached.

The realization hits me harder than I expected, and I’m not sure what to do with the information. With a traveling job like mine, becoming dependent on someone from Lake Wisteria isn’t an option for me, especially not someone who could be a part of my life for the definite future because he is best friends with my future brother-in-law.

Maybe you should have thought about that before you agreed to a date.

Something about Luke made me want to try. Aiden never pushed to break through the protective barrier I kept in place, but it only took Luke a few occasions to make me question letting someone in.

Stupid mistake.

Today’s situation proves why I should’ve stuck to my original plan to keep to myself and survive the month until I head out to California.

Instead of giving my pessimistic thoughts any more fuel to grow, I choose to focus on my future and pick out a sublease to stay at during my time in Los Angeles, which unlike Luke, is a sure thing.

17

LUKE

Whenever I lose a patient, I always fall into the harmful pattern of punishing myself for not doing everything possible to help them. It isn’t healthy or truthful, but I can’t help it. I’m the doctor in charge of saving lives, so whenever I lose one, it feels like I failed not only them, but myself.

Losing people is an unfortunate but common part of emergency medicine, but regardless of how many times Aiden or other coworkers tell me that, every death hits me hard.

It’s why I couldn’t show face, despite telling Catalina I’d meet her after our shifts. I didn’t want her to watch me spiral, so I pulled back. It’s my perfectionism acting up again, and instead of letting her see my self-loathing and unrealistic standards I hold myself to, I shielded her from that side of myself.

I pull up the text thread for the third time this afternoon, only to be disappointed when I read over the same text I sent an hour ago.

Me

I’m sorry for flaking. I got caught up with something at work and couldn’t text you until later.

Catalina must have still been asleep, so I distract myself until she texts me back hours later.

Catalina

No problem. I understand.

Me

Are we still on for tonight?

She doesn’t answer right away, so I spend the next thirty minutes panic-cleaning the apartment, preparing for the best-case scenario of Catalina coming over while anticipating the worst.

You shouldn’t have stood her up.I’ve been kicking myself for the last hour about it, but there is nothing I can do to take my decision back.

My phone pings halfway through vacuuming the floor, so I turn it off and check my messages.

Catalina

I don’t think that’s such a good idea.

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