Page 140 of A Little Secret

“You heard about that, huh?” I grumble, unable to look him in the eye. I should. He’s my big brother. The rock in the family despite all our best efforts to follow his path. But maybe that’s the problem. The reminder that his shoes are impossible to fill. Both on and off the ice. Jax is a legend. Hell, he’s a god. Never makes mistakes. Never fucks up.

As we take a seat across from each other at the empty table, Jax adds, “Really wish my brother would’ve told me about it.”

“I know I should’ve told you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all good.” He leans back in his chair and spreads his legs beneath the table. “How are you handling it? Taking on the role?”

“It’s easier than I would’ve thought,” I admit. “Sometimes, I even forget that I’m not…”

I can’t finish it. The sentence. Because it doesn’t feel accurate. I’m not the father? Bullshit. It feels like a cop-out when I’m so wholly invested in being in Finley’s baby’s life. However, clarifying their blood relation to me is a waste of breath but a necessary one, and if that isn’t a contradiction, I don’t know what is.

“Fin’s lucky to have you,” Jaxon replies. “And so is the baby.”

“Thanks.” I hesitate. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, whatever you need.”

Wiping my palms on my jeans, I shift forward and restmy elbows on the table’s cool surface. I’ve wanted to ask this question a hundred times, but I’ve always stopped myself, afraid the answer might break me or throw another curveball at my plans, and I’m not sure if I can handle another one. Not anytime soon. “Was it…weird?” I ask. “Your relationship with Mom?”

“Weird?”

“You know, having two moms while the rest of your siblings only had one.”

Jaxon’s mom, Eleanor, is a great woman, but she was always very deliberate with relationships. Part of me thinks she was afraid that if she extended too much of an olive branch to me and Dylan, she’d be stepping on my mom’s toes or something, but it’s only a theory. It’s not like we ever went to her house with Jax when we were little or anything. She’d bring us Christmas presents, and slurpees on our birthdays. But other than that? Nothing but a polite hello whenever she’d pick up or drop off Jax, depending on what week it was. Then, when Jax hit middle school, Eleanor remarried. Her husband received a promotion, requiring them to move to London, and Jax chose to stay with our dad instead of going with his birth mom. He said it was because he wanted to continue playing hockey and follow in our dad’s footsteps, but I like to think it’s because of me and Dylan. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if my big brother had left us behind.

“Yes and no,” Jax returns. “Sometimes, I felt like I was split in two. Like, I had two different lives, and in a way, I guess I did. Two bedrooms. Two families. Two curfews. Two sets of rules.” He pauses, his eyes growing hazy as if he’s assessing his childhood in search of answers. Blinking, he focuses on me again and takes a swig of his coffee. “But they did the best they could, you know? Mom, Dad,mymom. They did their best and…life wasn’t perfect, but it was enough. More than enough. It’ll be different with you, though,” he adds.

“How so?”

He shrugs. “From what I hear, the dad wants nothing to do with Fin or the baby. Is that true?”

“For now, yeah.”

“That’s good, I think,” he decides. “If he changes his mind, you can come up with a new game plan, but for now, I think you’re handling everything exactly how you should.”

“You think?” I grasp my cup and let the heat seep into my palms. “Sometimes, the idea of screwing up and shit…it’s a lot of pressure.”

“Take it from someone who had the most amazing bonus parent on the planet. Showing up is enough. And you, man? You’ve never had a problem showing up.”

He’s right. About my mom. She’s always there. Always a phone call or a short drive away. Then again, so is my dad. They’re the best people I know. And if I’ve learned anything from them, it’s that their example has made me the man I am today. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be enough to fill the dad role and claim the title, even when I haven’t earned it yet.

“Thanks.” My lungs expand on a deep breath, grounding me. “I needed this conversation.”

“Figured you might.” He smirks. “Not gonna lie, though. I always figured I’d be the first to be a dad.”

“Yeah, my money was on you, too,” I joke. “Funny how life has way of…fucking us up while working itself out in the process.”

“You could say that.” The steam swirls in the air as he takes another sip of his drink. “And sometimes, it only fucks us up.”

The bell on the entrance jingles, announcing anincoming customer, and the blood drains from his face as his attention catches on someone behind me.

Curious, I turn around and find a guy in a navy blue suit and white dress shirt ordering a coffee at the register. It’s Uncle Henry. “Shit.”

Tearing his attention from our uncle, Jax turns to me and cocks his head. “Shit?You, too?”

“Too?” I ask. “Since when are you avoiding Uncle Henry? Forget to pay rent or something?” Jaxon moved into our Uncle Henry’s penthouse by campus last summer, but they’ve always been close. The idea of Jax avoiding him makes less than zero sense. Then again, so does me lying to all of my friends and family, so it’s not like I have any room to talk.

“Not exactly.” Tugging at the collar of his T-shirt, Jax sinks a little lower in his chair. “He’s been hounding me about Squeaks ever since…”

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