Page 149 of We Redeemed the Rain

“Be…together, I guess.”

“You guess.” Her tone was flat, unimpressed.

“Come on, Bea. I don’t know how to talk about shit like this.”

“It’s not shit. This is important.”

“I didn’t mean it was—” I reached up and dragged a hand over my face. If there was something to screw up—be it tone, delivery, or something else—I would. “I don’t know all the right things to say, alright? To be honest, I’m not sure where we go from here.”

“I mean, should we keep in touch? Or pursue a long distance relationship or something? I need to know if you want these things, or if I’m alone in it.”

“You’re not alone. But…”

She waited.

“You are one of a kind, Bea.” I took a deep breath, forcing myself to get through this conversation. “I keep gettin’ swept away by everything you are and forgettin’ about who I am. The truth is, what I said in the barnyard still…” My heart twisted. I’d pined for this woman for how many years? And yet, I should turn her away. “It still stands. I don’t knowhowto be more.”

“Why do you say that?” Her hoarse whisper snagged in my heart. “Please tell me why.”

“I’ll never be able to give you all the things you deserve, Bea.”

“How hard could it be to just?—”

“You don’t understand ‘cause you can’t. You and I come from different worlds. I can’t be the man you need. And I think if you stopped and really thought about it for a sec, you’d probably realize I’m not the man youwant, either.”

“You didn’t answer my question. I asked youwhy.”

When I didn’t answer, she rolled to her side and gripped my bicep. “Tag, look at me.” I did. “I don’t want to be protected from you. When you care about someone, you take them. At their best and at their worst. You take the good, the bad, the ugly…” She paused, then quietly added. “And even the rain.”

A fist of something from hell clogged my throat. She had no idea what she was saying.

Her voice was desperate. “If I have to leave my heart in Texas, I deserve an answer.”

Blood churning, my stomach bucked. I turned. “I have never been loved, Bea.”

“Tag—”

“No, you asked for the answer, so you gotta listen.”

She stopped talking but her lip trembled.

“While your family was gathered around the table for family game night, I was locked in a closet, forced to piss in an old water bottle.”Her eyes widened. “While yours was eating home cooked meals and goin’ back and forth to soccer practice, I was searchin’ drains for loose change.” My voice cracked.

Something built in my throat and a shaking sensation sent fear racing through my veins. I hated this shaking. It flung my body back into the darkness of those nights, into the rainstorms. It reminded me of the bottom bunk, laying there, paralyzed with fear.

“While you were fast asleep, I was—” The words choked up my throat. I clenched a fist, tapping it against my forehead. “There’s a reason my bedroom door is always locked and yours stands wide open. To this day, I deal with the hell of my childhood. My life will never be like yours ‘cause I can’t…get away from…”

After a beat of tense silence, she asked, “What, Tag?” Her voice was tight with emotions, a prodding whisper. “Can’t get away from what?”

“The memories.” I opened my mouth to say more but the chord of tension pulled, the space between my shoulders and breastbone collapsing. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t conjure up my voice. I ran distressed hands through my hair and shook my head. Tears welled up, and I tried to blink them away.

Her gentle hand settled on my chest. She scooted up so we were eye to eye. “You’re right. I don’t know how any of that feels. That’s not a burden I’ve ever had to carry.” Her voice gained strength. “But here’s where you’re wrong. Whatever is in your past, whoever has hurt you…none of it makes you unworthy of love. Real love grows in spite of pain and fear. But you have to give it a chance and you have to believe thatyou, Tag, are someone worth loving.”

She moved her hand to my cheek, directing me to look into her eyes.

“Think about Tillie. Your love gave her a chance. You know that, right?” I blinked hard and a warm tear trickled out of my eye. “Other people looked at her scars and they gave up on her, but you loved her back to life, Tag, and one day you have to let someone do the same for you.”

I shook my head, and she stopped my motion with her hand.

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