Page 106 of We Redeemed the Rain

“It wasnotlittle.” I grabbed some tape and gauze, covering the worst spots.

“—and I got some blisters. But your horses are okay, Tag. That’s the important thing. And you know what’swayworse than blisters?”

“What?” I followed her lead-in, helpless against the current of her positivity.

“The idea of you doing all that by yourself.” Her concerned face always looked the same. A gentle crease between her dark eyebrows, slightly puckered lips, wide eyes. She averted her face, her tone softening. “You shouldn’t be alone, Tag. You do way too much by yourself. Don’t”—she shifted—“don’t you ever get lonely?”

She was trespassing onto territory I’d roped off and put caution signs around.

Discomfort burned in me. I spun around and opened the cabinetsto put the bandages away. How was I supposed to answer such a complicated question? I ached for a companion to degrees she would never comprehend. I struggled to find my voice. “Sometimes—alone is better.”

She blinked. “That sounds like something the boy in the hayloft would say.”

Did she want me to take a dagger to my chest right here and now? I didn’t have time for the repercussions of dredging up my life story at five in the morning. Why did she insist on chatting before the sun came up?

Like a complete and total jerk, I opened my mouth. “I thought therapists only worked nine to five.”

Bea’s gaze snapped up from her coffee. A pink blush touched her cheeks. Her response was quick, frustrated. Her exhale a noisy puff. “Nevermind.”

I ran a hand through my hair, wanting to pull it out by the roots. You’d think I’d be ecstatic someone cared, but no, my defenses ignited like a wildfire. I murmured, “Bea—shit. Bea, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. I’ve been alone so long that I…”

Her brown eyes found mine.

Train of thought left my mind as I got lost in those eyes. I’d wanted this for fourteen years—the chance to be real with her. The opportunity dropped in my lap, only for me to act like a wounded idiot. A tight sensation in my throat made me swallow twice. Burning started in my eyes. I blinked and shook my head.

Bea had simply asked a question.

And I was derailing.

What is happening right now?

I wanted to scream from the rooftops. Of course I didn’t want to be alone. Maybe some people in the world, like me, felt too picked over to offer anything. But no one, at the end of the day, trulywantedthis.

Everyone alive deserves to choose someone and have someone choose them.

Mom chose Sloan. Cooper chose freedom. So did my dad,wherever he was. Gran chose help on the ranch, not a grandson. As much as I loved Judd, he chose the paycheck. And he was the first to leave when Meadowbrook hit a crisis. Randi would choose me, maybe, but she lived in a different state and had her own broken life to worry about.

Pretending I meant something to them got me by. If I took hell from Sloan, Mom would stay happy and maybe pat me on the back or something. If I paid bail, Cooper would come home. If I made sure Gran was comfortable, she would die at least appreciating me. If I ran myself into the ground, maybe the horses would perk their ears when I walked by.

How pathetic could someone be? I wanted to tear out my brain for letting me hear those thoughts.

But those thoughts led me to a truth. One I had to acknowledge.

Bea chose me.

She was the only one who ever had. For years, Bea showed up week after week, not asking for anything in return. Wanted nothing but my heart and thoughts. She didn’t deplete my meager offerings—she filled me. When I was starving and empty, she filled me one letter at a time. Now, she was getting up at five o’clock on her vacation to ride with me.

I want to choose her.

My eyes and nose tingled. For goodness sake, if I cried in front of this woman, I would never forgive myself. I picked up my cup of tea and noticed my hands were shaking. She noticed, too.

I rasped, “Give me ‘bout fifteen minutes, and I’ll answer your question, alright?”

“You don’t have to?—”

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