Page 48 of Yours

“But then what happened?” I ask.

“It came back, but it’s worse, because I feel like I was doing it for the wrong reasons, that I was using you.” She looks at me. “Are you mad?”

I grit my teeth and stroke up and down her arm. “No, more like worried.” I stroke down her arm and know that I’ll do anything to be there for her, but I won’t be someone’s pacifier. “Don’t get me wrong. It was fucking hot as hell seeing you so hungry, but we have to be on the same page, okay?”

She nods, and I see the relief in her eyes. “Okay.”

“There’s a lot going on in that big brain of yours,” I say, gently tapping her temple. “Do me a favor and keep me in the loop?”

She gives me a small smile, and finally, I start to relax.

“I’m sorry you didn’t…get there,” she says in a shy voice. “Do you want to pick up where we left off?”

“Maybe some other time,” I say, already planning how we’re going to revisit that position in a hundred different ways very soon, but the next time, I’ll make sure it feels even better. “I have something else in mind.”

Her eyes brighten. “Oh,” she says.

I lead her to the bathroom and turn on the water in the tub. I wish it was one of those giant jacuzzi types with jets and a stash of bubble bath, but this will have to do.

I help her out of the rest of her clothes, and we step into the tub. I lay down with her back against my chest, savoring the feel of her body in my arms and the hot water enveloping us.

“You don’t talk about your family,” she says.

I shrug. “Not much to say,” I reply, massaging her shoulders.

“Did something happen, when you were a kid?” she asks.

I ignore the image of my old man yelling at me and his fists flying into my ribs. “It got to a point where it wasn’t safe for me anymore, so I had to get out.”

“You don’t talk to them?”

“Nope,” I say, caressing down her arms.

“And you don’t want to,” she says.

“Nothing good will come of it. My dad won’t change, and my mom’s too locked away to do anything about it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You know, it’s okay,” I say. “I had to deal with it in my own way. I’m grateful for what I have now.”

“With my dad?” she asks.

“Yeah, and the shop. I really love what I do. And I have good friends,” I say. “Friends that have been a better family for me than I ever had.” I kiss the side of her head.And I have you, I want to say, but don’t because I’m not sure how she feels about it, and I don’t want to put any pressure on her with everything that’s going on. But I love the way she’s learning to trust me, and letting me show her how good being free can feel. Even with what happened tonight, I feel like it’s only made us closer.

She sighs against me. “You’re right,” she says. “I should feel lucky too. I have so many things to be thankful for.”

Later, after we make love slowly, I lay in the dark, holding her in my arms as she falls asleep. I wish I could help her walk this journey she’s on, but know I can’t. This is her path to navigate. All I can do is be there on the other side.

Darcy

Isit at a table by the window, a thick, ceramic cup of coffee in my hands. Silvia said noon, and it’s five minutes past. I wonder if she’s going to show.

Brian is waiting for my call. I talked to Dad but he didn’t say much, just that he loved me.

I woke up feeling sore this morning, and the idea that I had used Brian as a way to avoid what I’m feeling scares me. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was stronger.

It’s ten minutes after when I hear the little bell chime over the door. There she is, dressed in a baggy, off-white sweater, faded, tapered jeans, and scuffed ballet flats. The cuffs on her coat are so dirty they’re black. I jump up, nearly spilling my coffee.

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