Page 25 of Alien Haven

“Excellent. I’m going to bed. Codab?”

“In a moment.”

Diju paused long enough to shoot him a suspicious glance. She turned to her son and cupped her palm around Ilid’s cheek. She left them, murmuring good night. They listened to her go up the softly creaking stairs.

As soon as her footfalls quieted, Codab stood and looked at Ilid. The younger man’s heart sank.

Sure enough, his father had read through his attempts to downplay the night. “Were you truly unimpressed by this Detodev and Mitag, or is it a matter of what happened to you?”

Ilid knew he had no choice but to confess. “I don’t want a clan. Or at least, I don’t deserve one. I have no right to play the part of a Dramok to fellow Kalquorians.”

“You do fine when it comes to Jennifer.”

“She’s an Earther. She doesn’t have the expectations our people do of a clan leader. I may fall short of what she wants, but it won’t be because I don’t fit a particular definition.” He looked away, unable to meet the gaze of Codab, a true Dramok.

“Ilid, you were strong when you had to be. You survived what no one else on your ship could. If yours isn’t the heart of a Dramok, then I have no idea what is.” His father’s voice was intense, as if he could etch the words on Ilid’s brain through sheer force.

“I fell apart on Kalquor. I tried to kill myself so you and the rest of my parents wouldn’t have to watch me scream and cry like a child! Now I’m hiding on Haven. How does any of it equate to the heart of a Dramok?” Ilid rubbed shaking hands over his face. “In the bar, I couldn’t stop looking for those damned Darks, though I’m certain they haven’t made it onto the planet. My mind insisted they were in every shadow. Detodev noticed, unsurprisingly. How could a Nobek miss my fear?”

“You were tortured by those things, my son. No man would escape such a situation and be unaffected for months or years afterward.”

“Or a lifetime. I can’t see a future where I’m unafraid.” His head bowed in shame.

Codab gripped his shoulder and squeezed, as if he could infuse his son with his own strength and make him the man he might never be. “The trauma is still fresh. You have to give yourself the opportunity to heal.”

“And if I don’t?”

“You will.” Codab’s tone held a certainty Ilid didn’t share. “For the present, Diju means well, but don’t let her worrying rush you into clanship. As I said, you’re young. It’s early for you to be thinking about finding clanmates.”

“Mother doesn’t think so. She hasn’t heard the first real detail where Mitag and Detodev are concerned, and she already wants me to clan them and Jennifer.” As Ilid spoke, a jab of regret shot through his chest. The pain surprised him into thinking about such a scenario seriously.

It only lasted a moment. No, he didn’t know the two men he’d met at the bar well enough to consider such a future. What hurt was realizing he probably had no chance of clanning anyone, no matter how perfect.

Diju would have been enthralled to realize Ilid had always considered the ultimate relationship to include a full clan. He’d wanted what his parents had: full commitment and regard and support for each other. They belonged to an era in which clanship was forever, and they’d committed to their arranged relationship fully. The old Ilid hadn’t been able to conceive of anything less than what they’d forged.

That had been before his capture by the Darks. Before his ability to function as a Dramok had been shattered by terror and helplessness.

“Your mother doesn’t necessarily wish you to clan tomorrow. She wants reassurance that if and when we leave youon Haven, you’ll have the support of people who care for you,” Codab said.

“I can bake and hire help fine without lifelong companions.” Ilid managed a wry chuckle.

“You aren’t here merely to run a bakery and recover from what happened. You’re here to build a network of those you can count on when you need help in any area of your life. I’m talking aboutliving, my son. Really living. It’s time to move on from merely existing in the wake of what happened.”

“I wonder if I can.” He’d thought he was doing better. His constant search for living shadows in the bar that night, however…

“Making friends is part of it. Jennifer is a good start. Perhaps Mitag and Detodev will be men you can turn to for support, whether as eventual clanmates or not.”

Codab made sense. Ilid was able to nod and agree with what he said. Friends would be wonderful. Perhaps Mitag and Detodev could fit as such.

But never clanmates. Ilid wasn’t Dramok enough for them, or any Kalquorians.

* * * *

Mitag lay in bed, wide awake. Despite the late hour, he couldn’t settle into slumber. He couldn’t calm the excitement keeping his brain avid long after he should had dropped off.

Detodev, Ilid, Jennifer. Plus Mitag.

Nobek, Dramok, Matara, and Imdiko.

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